Vivian Hankin, PhD, LMFT, and longtime OPEN EXCHANGE lister, offers Effective Couples Counseling and An Extraordinary Women's Group. One of the "three main reasons people come to see me," says Vivian, is to "learn how to argue." Here's how:

He's always telling me what to do!" Sarah said defiantly. I'm really sick of it." Dan heaved a sigh and mumbled, "She just can't make up her mind— someone has to." Before he could finish, Sarah interrupted and said, "Oh, no you don't. You don't want to listen to me. You even tell me what to do when I'm upset about something." Dan said "Well, there's something else while we're talking about these things. At times I have a lot of knowledge in some areas that you don't have. But then you don't want to rely on my judgment."

I said, "So far you've mentioned two different kinds of interactions resulting in arguments: One is about Dan's wanting to make quick decisions and feeling not respected for his knowledge while Sarah feels left out. The other is about Sarah's feelings of wanting a different reaction from Dan when she is upset."

I asked each in turn to give an example while the other just listened without any comment.

Then the listener would summarize what had just been said. That allowed the one speaking to feel both listened to and understood. It also allowed the listener to focus on what was being said instead of defensively tuning the other person out.

Dan admitted he felt hurt that Sarah did not give him credit for what he knew and could contribute to the relationship. Sarah said, "I didn't realize you felt this before. I'm glad you told me. I really do admire how much you know about so many things. But even if you do know, I'd still like you to ask what my ideas are."

I pointed out, "Some current emotions also evoke similar emotions from childhood. Until recognized, they can carry great power to confuse and turn a discussion into an argument."

Dan had been influenced by his father, who believed that men should make the decisions in the family except for the socializing and household decisions. His mother protested at times but gave in. Sarah said, "My mother worked at a job outside the home as well as taking on most household responsibilities, and I was aware while growing up that it didn't seem fair." Dan and Sarah agreed that each could make decisions on personal matters, such as clothing and even cars, but on matters concerning them both, they would have equal input.

We turned to Sarah's not wanting Dan to tell her how to handle a situation when she's upset about something. I said, "This is one of the most prevalent problems in working with couples," and asked Sarah to explain to Dan how she feels about it. She said, "You know, all I really want is for you to put your arms around me and tell me you're sorry I'm having a bad time. I don't want you to tell me how to handle the situation." Dan was amazed that was all she wanted. He said, "If you're upset, I want to help you." Sarah replied, "What I'm asking for is the way it really will help me." I asked Dan if he could just try to do what Sarah asks and he grinned and said, "Sure, now that I know what makes her feel good and that she doesn't need my input but only my arms, I'll be glad to." and they both laughed.