Cecile Marie, LCSW, has been in private practice for over twenty years.

Divorce was the most wrenching experience of my life. Married in my early twenties, most of my self image hinged on my husband. We had a traditional marriage; I stayed home with the kids and kept the house. I didn't work for eight of the ten years we were married.

In the tumultuous years after the divorce, I found meaningful work as a psychotherapist. I discovered how important my freedom was to me, that having a man who would make demands on me in any regard was out of the question.

Slowly, over seven years, I became independent, doing everything by myself. I began by going to movies alone. Then I went to parties, weddings and restaurants alone. Eventually, it became routine. I even discovered the joys of sleeping alone. I began to feel more complete without a partner.

One night at a club, my friends decided to leave. The band was playing all my Motown favorites so I stayed. My heart was pounding; this was new ground. I danced alone to the fast music but then

Stand By Me came on.

What the hell, I thought, I feel like dancing and everybody's coupled up. So I slow-danced alone. I let go of embarrassment and shame. I told myself: Nobody's watching me; they're all involved in themselves. No one really cares what I'm doing except me. On that dance floor, I came full circle. I felt utterly complete without a man.

Soon after that night I met my future husband, Nick. I was so independent that he could barely get a date with me. He asked me to go bike riding but I said, "I bike ride alone." He asked me if he could swim with me. Ditto. Perhaps this intrigued him.

It turned out Nick was as independent as I was. Even after we married, we didn't live together full time the first seven years. We have separate bedrooms, checking accounts and lives. Our house and our animals are our kids. He loves to cook and I have forgotten how. He doesn't like to socialize much; he prefers the dog to most people. I enjoy people more so I still go everywhere alone. But, after 18 years, I know I have Nick to come home to and laugh with.

It works for us. However, if I had tried to re couple soon after divorce, I fear I would have ended up in a codependent relationship like the one I left.

If all you are thinking about when you get divorced is getting re married, think again. Divorce brings you the blessed opportunity to re invent yourself or, at the very least, the chance to develop dormant qualities in yourself which were being squelched in your marriage.

It's fine to have lovers during the interim. This can actually prevent you from becoming so desperate that you jump into another disastrous marriage. Just don't expect to find Mr. or Ms. Right early on. If it happens, great. But don't count on it.

Doing counseling during the divorce process, both with your soon-to-be-ex and/or without, will help you sort through your baggage. You can learn how your previous choice reflected your inner world. Changing that inner landscape takes time, patience and work.

In the meantime, enjoy yourself.