Using Poetry As Therapy:
"How Do I Deal With Insensitive People?"

Dear Dr. Perez:
There's a thoughtless, rude woman who works near me in the office, talks too loudly, takes my things without asking, and tells mean lies about me behind my back. My job itself is great and my other co-workers and boss are fine, but I sometimes dread going to work because of this bum. Any suggestions?

Unfortunately, insensitive people abound in all walks of life, in every society. They are unaware of and don't even care about you, your feelings, your property, and sometimes even your existence. They impose on your hospitality, ask favors, borrow money or treasured items, and never even thank you—much less reciprocate. They cancel plans at the last moment—or simply don't show up—and never give it a second thought, let alone an apology!

The challenge for each of us, however, is to not become consumed by resentment or anger towards such "beings," who seem like aliens from another world. In a sense, they are "non-humans."

Emotionally stunted or ethically challenged people are not likely to change, so don't take the blame for their resistance. Instead, put your efforts into protecting yourself. Don't let them get under your skin. If it were a tumor, you'd want to contain and encapsulate it so that it couldn't take over your life. Likewise, don't let insensitive, "inhuman" people wreck your mental health.

First of all, lower your expectations. I don't get mad at my cats for not thanking me for feeding them. So if you do a person a favor, don't expect gratefulness or reciprocity. Count it as a donation. Incidentally, my cats have never fixed a meal for me!

If you are losing sleep with anger or dread about seeing your obnoxious co-worker, find a symbolic way to get the negative feelings out of your head. I know a carpenter who used to pound nails with extra force to rid his mind of an obnoxious boss. Picture them flushed down the drain, dead and gone! Don't you feel better already? Now, don't let guilt consume you because you weren't thinking "nice thoughts." Let out your anger (if only to yourself) so it doesn't eat you up!

While it may not help to confront this "bum" directly, do talk with your co-workers and possibly your boss about her questionable behavior. Chances are, her actions have not gone unnoticed and she is also bothering others. If you demonstrate good communication, honesty and sincerity, and avoid rancor or recriminations, you may garner sympathy. Seeing this, the obnoxious person may possibly back off, or at least avoid picking on you any further. If her behavior doesn't improve, you could suggest to her boss that she be transferred to another department, at very least. It's worth a try!

CAUTION: If an obnoxious, insensitive person just won't stop, you may have to protect yourself by leaving the situation. Too much stress can interfere with your judgment, lower your immune system, and even make you vulnerable to illness. Your life and health are ultimately far more important than your job.

Another way to get troublesome thoughts out of your head is to put them onto paper. I've often advised friends and patients to write stories or poems "doing in" offending individuals, to get them out of one's mind. NOTE: It is healthy to be aware of and express any negative feelings, but NOT to act on such feelings. However, to deny or "swallow" such feelings can feed a depression or rage.

Once in awhile, I take a bit of my own medicine. Some time ago I worked at a place with an unusually cold, insensitive older worker who meddled in everyone's business. I often lost sleep thinking about him, until one night I got out of bed and wrote the following poem:

The ill-mannered people, of which they're too many,
I wish they'd just vanish, so you couldn't find any.

Especially dangerous when they rise up to power
They're un-educatable, like plants that can't flower.

Even if you cooked them up in a meal,
Not an ounce of good taste—they don't think, care, nor feel.

I must change my thinking, get them out of my head,
Symbolically FLUSH them (but smile when they're dead.)

And my "medicine" worked, as I then slept undisturbed. Some day I'll have to thank him for inspiring me to write poetry! As a friend of mine says, "So go ahead and vent—it's safe to do in verse. You'll no doubt feel much better—at very least no worse!"

Contact Dr. Perez directly at 415-665-7272 or send your question to Dr. Carla Perez, c/o OPEN EXCHANGE MAGAZINE, 1442A Walnut #51 Berkeley CA 94709.
Email: openexchange@earthlink.net.