By Tom Rohrer
There is a developing technology for producing genuine happiness, and Tom Rohrer is one of the experts at the forefront. Tom is a psychotherapist and coach offering life-changing seminars, "Becoming Truly Happy" and "Creating Your Life" as part of the of Full Life Training™ series.
It has been my privilege to help many individuals and couples work through issues and embrace new beginnings that grew into full and happy lives. Whether working privately or in a seminar, people who chose to stop, look at their life and make a positive change are the better for it. People who set-up the structure to make this change permanent are truly fortunate.
Every new beginning is stimulating, scary and exciting at the same time. Learn to trust and even embrace the wonderful and mysterious process of living. Accept that every moment in time is an opportunity for a new beginning and a chance to continue creating a full and happy life: pleasure, engagement, and purpose.
Before you start a new beginning you must complete the past. You must officially end it, forgive ("set it down"), and then move on. The past is in the past. The present is a present and the only point in time that you have any control over.
At the foundation of this new beginning, is the personal structure that will set you up to succeed by "advancing" you towards your desired goal. This structure can include many aspects; I will focus on four of them.
One: Reminder
New behaviors are easily forgotten until they are integrated. Use a reminder to keep your conscious awareness focused on your intention to make a new behavior part of your life. A reminder can be a visual or a sound. My client Bill used an alarm watch to remind him to be aware of what he was thinking and feeling, and what was his highest priority task to focus on. Jean used a red light or red circle to remind her to dispute her negative self-talk, and accurately describe reality.
"Red Light" is one of the most available and desirable reminders because it has the previous meaning, pay attention, slow down and or stop. Out in the world you can use red traffic lights, other car's red tail/brake lights, and red stop signs. In your personal space use red circles, sticky red dots (1/4" on small areas such as your watch, 3/4" on most anywhere), a big red circle cut out and taped it to the inside of your front door, or even have a red beach ball laying around. This is similar to the idea of paying attention to yourself or a self-awareness check. You can use all red lights to ask: How am I doing? Am I stressed or relax? Am I doing what I really want to be doing?
What would remind you to stay in the present and advance to a full and happy life?
Two: Core Patterns
Develop core patterns or habits so you can rely on them. Examples:
In response to the problem, "Where are my car keys?" Learn to say "I always leave my keys on the kitchen counter."
When flustered by too much information you can say, "I always write down new, important information on my Structure For Success."
When deciding to do something new, ask yourself: "What can I do right now to set myself up to be successful?"
Look at your core patterns? What new pattern would help you develop a full and happy life?
Three: Accurate Thinking
Thoughts lead to feelings. Inaccurate or pessimistic thinking leads to anxiety, depression, immobility, and then snowballs into more negativity.
A common aspect of inaccurate thinking is extreme language. Change inaccurate thoughts to accurate ones, by using more specific language, for example: When Jean says, "I always lose my keys," she can change her language to, "Sometimes I have lost my keys and I'm learning to put them in my purse."
Change "never" to "often." "Have to, becomes "want to," and "got to" changes "need to," etc.
Inaccurate questions lead to inaccurate answers. To get useful answers, you ask specific and accurate questions.
Instead of an either or question: "Do I want to achieve a goal?" Ask a continuum question: "Of all the desirable goals, which do I want to start working on?" Continuum means "to what degree."
Instead of: "Am I happy?" Ask: "How happy am I?"
Instead of: "Should I eat dessert?" Ask: "How much do I want the dessert?"
Is your thinking drawing you into a full and happy life?
Four: Personal Organizational Structure
The best personal organizational structure is the one that you use. I carry a piece of paper that I call my "Structure For Success." It has many sections where I write down important information. This structured format is my "organizational hub." I can easily carry it everywhere, from there I move information to my laptop or personal planner, if desirable.
On your "Structure for Success" you may have sections such as: "Time Sensitive-To Do," general "To Do," "Shopping," "Phone Calls," "Things that make me happy" or "Things I want to learn," etc. You can have a reminder section for semi-permanent items, such as, "Call for Messages," or a reminder symbol. What structure would pull you into a full and happy life?
Bill was a 46 year-old, successful attorney, and like many successful attorneys, he was a pessimist (lawyers call it prudence). At home he was disorganized and would go off on low-priority tasks rather than high priority ones. To make a change, Bill bought a watch with multiple alarms. Every time the alarm went off he checked in with himself and what he was doing. As well as a reminder system he also developed a habit of writing important things down on his Structure For Success. This helped him stay on track and accomplish significantly more. He felt better about himself and happier about life. This also pleased his wife.
Jean was a 32 year-old, moderately successful IT professional. She was plagued by low self-worth because of her past. She was attractive, intelligent and earned a graduate degree, yet she was emotionally tied to and pulled down by her dysfunctional family of origin. She felt inadequate, until she chose to focus on what she wanted and who she wanted to become. She used reminders to clean up her self-talk and focus on what she wanted, this caused her to feel better and freed up her energy and allowed her to move on.
Jean explored what really made her happy, and set-up a personal structure, which moved her into her desired future. This culminated in shifting her career into teaching IT professionals, so she had more engagement with people and an increased sense of purpose.
Whatever your desire is, determine what are you going to do "right now" to set yourself up to be successful. Luck will have little to do with it. Ask yourself, "How much do I want a full and happy life? Since your structure will determine your outcome, I hope that you embrace every moment of your life as a new beginning, and build the life that you want.