I Have To Be Perfect: Is It True?
The Work of Byron Katie

By Zoé Newman

I have to be perfect. Life should be easier. My partner should love me more. I can't afford it. He should be more fair.

The core beliefs, judgments and stories we hold about life and our self color our very experience. They restrict our choices and narrow our options, just as dark glasses cut out the fullness of the light spectrum available to us. Like pernicious weeds, they choke off the possibilities in our life.

But—
Is it true?
Can I absolutely know it's true?
How do I react, how do I live my life, with that thought?
What would my life be like without that thought?

These questions come from The Work of Byron Katie, and I have found them to be a simple, powerful way to move from the stressful roots of depression and anxiety to greater freeness and joy. Breaking free from a life struggling with depression, eating disorders, alcoholism, and self-hatred, Byron Katie developed the inquiry she calls The Work as a way of questioning and finding freedom from the stressful thoughts that brought her suffering.

As you read one person's work with inquiry below, I invite you to ask the questions yourself, and allow your own answers to arise.

I have to be perfect. Is it true?... Can I absolutely know it's true? Can I let that question drop deep within, truly sit with it? It certainly feels true, I live my life as if it's true, but No, it's not true. How do I react, how do I live my life, with that thought? I never really relax. I beat myself up mercilessly if I make a mistake. I put a lot of pressure on myself to get things just right. I'm not really present to others because I'm worrying about what to say, or that what I just said sounded dumb. Life's not very fun.

What would my life be like without that thought? [Can I let myself really feel into what it would be like without that thought? And how that feels in my body?] I'd be more relaxed. It feels like a huge burden dropping away, and I notice my breath becoming fuller. I wouldn't waste so much time trying to do things perfectly. I'd feel comfortable in myself. I'd enjoy people more. Life feels more easy.

What if I turn the thought around? I don't have to be perfect. [Can I see ways in what that might be as true, or truer?]

Inquiry is not about getting rid of a thought, or substituting positive thoughts for negative thoughts. We've probably all tried that, and they tend to just come back, like hardy weeds. It's more an opening up of space, like loosening the soil around the roots: gradually the thoughts lose their hold, and space opens for other possibilities to flower.

As another example of working with the questions, let's take an individual's work with the thought: I can't afford it. Find a place or a time where that statement feels true for you. It may be the risk of opening your heart again or taking a new career direction; or perhaps the financial cost of a needed vacation or a desired graduate degree.

Is it true? Absolutely; I can't afford it! Can I absolutely know it's true? Yes!

How do I react, how do I live my life, with that thought? It feels a bit hemmed in, like I'm making my world smaller than other people's. It feels closed in, closed down. I automatically put possibilities out of my reach, without really looking. I'm envious of those who do those things. I measure things, rather than just spontaneously go for what draws me. What would my life be like without that thought? [Can I let myself really feel into what it would be like without that thought? And how that feels in my body?] Without that thought, there's a sense of greater freeness, more openness and possibility. My world feels expanded, wide open. I feel larger, freer. There's a sense of adventure.

Might the opposite be as true? I can afford it. (It doesn't mean I'll go ahead and do it, but I can discern and choose what I do from a freer place of wisdom and possibility.)

Another way to do this last step, which is called the Turnaround, is to reverse names or, in this case, to substitute the words "this thinking": "I can't afford this thinking." The turnaround invites me to consider all the ways this might be as true, as I look at what holding this thought costs me in terms of aliveness and freedom.

The four questions initiate an organic inner process as you let them fall into the heart, into the body, into the place of deeper knowing. There, the questions work like yeast, and something alive and vibrant begins to open within.

The beauty of the inquiry is that it's simple—4 questions and a turnaround—and it's self-directed. Some find it helpful to work with a facilitator, especially in the beginning, in order to go more deeply into the questions, uncover the core beliefs nested within stressful thoughts, and get a sense of the possibilities available. You can easily plunge in, however, on your own process of discovery. I invite you to write down whatever thoughts and judgments are upsetting in the moment—and one by one, play with bringing them to these four questions, and turn them around.