7 Steps to Living from the Heart

By Barry & Joyce Vissell

Barry & Joyce Vissell offer The Couples Journey Workshops.

For many years we've used the title "Living from the Heart." We feel it is perhaps one of the most important needs of our time. For many centuries, the world's emphasis has been upon mental accomplishment. Before that, the emphasis was upon physical accomplishment. Both physical and mental advancement have been necessary for survival. But now survival also depends upon the development of the heart, our compassionate nature. So how can we live more from our hearts in our everyday lives? Here is what we feel summarizes our teachings:

1.) Accepting our feelings. A key to opening our hearts is paying more attention to all our feelings. We tend toward only the "positive" feelings like love, joy or happiness, and avoid "negative" feelings like pain, fear, jealousy, sadness or anger. A man in one of our workshops stood up in front of the group and vulnerably admitted his fear of failure in his new relationship. He felt he had finally met the woman with whom he wanted to spend the rest of his life, and now was afraid he would mess up somehow. He received so much love and acceptance from the group that he realized many people have also felt similar feelings—and have succeeded. Accepting our negative feelings opens the door to positive feelings.

2.) Practicing appreciation and seeing beauty in others. When I was 24 years old, my best friend Dawn, who was 21, was always pointing out beauty in other people. She saw things that the rest of us took for granted. Once Dawn and I sat in the front seat of our car, while Barry filled the tank with gas (at 19 cents a gallon!) and then set about washing the windshield. I had watched him do this hundreds of times and thought nothing of it. While he worked, Dawn kept up a steady commentary, pointing out Barry's beauty. "Look at the careful job Barry's doing. Isn't it great how he's smiling the entire time he's cleaning. Look at the way he keeps looking at you with so much love." By the time Barry returned to the car, I was seeing him in a whole new wonderful way. Seeing beauty in other's is a natural high.

3.) Living gratefully. When Barry and I were 40 years old we had a pregnancy in which our baby daughter died within me. The news of her death shocked and pained me greatly. My mother, who had lost twin boys before I was born, gently took me aside after several days had passed. With the greatest love and concern for me she said, "You are my daughter and I know you can make a gift of this painful experience. Let the gift bless your entire life." After many months of work and tears and striving to be grateful, I finally received the gift. The presence of our angel baby has blessed my life in countless ways. As hard as it was, I am grateful for the experience.

4.) Apologizing to those we have hurt, including ourselves. Making amends is one of the Twelve Steps in the recovery process, but Joyce and I find it invaluable in learning to live from the heart. If we take an honest inventory of our lives, we will find instances of our actions or words having caused hurt to ourselves as well as others. Apologizing to ourselves is important, but it is just as important to apologize to others.

5. ) Self-acceptance. We may think we accept ourselves, but scratch the surface of our subconscious feelings, and we find there is much about ourselves that we keep hidden due to shame or fear. Joyce and I are constantly practicing every one of these steps as well as teaching them. I have difficulty accepting that I sometimes get angry at Joyce. I'll feel hurt by something she says or does and, rather than sharing my hurt feelings, I'll often jump right into anger. As I accept myself for this defensive stance, it helps me to uncover the original hurt, and the vulnerability I feel, which I can then more easily share with Joyce.

6.) Learning the secret of service. Our mothers are 86 and 88. They are both very active in volunteer work, especially helping the "elderly." When people encourage them to stop their service to others and just sit back and rest, they both respond in the same way, "It is in giving to others that we feel fulfilled and still have purpose in life. Serving gives us energy." Our mothers are practicing the true spirit of service to others and are reaping the rewards.

7.) Developing spiritually. Growing spiritually is the most important thing that we can do in this life. By honoring our eternal selves we are truly living from the heart. There are as many spiritual paths and practices as there are people. As the saying goes, "The wheel has many spokes but one center." Find your way to the center of the wheel of your life, find a way to deepen your spirituality and watch your life blossom.