How To Have A Life Of Fulfilling Intimacy

By Claudia Six

Intimacy is a term people usually use as a euphemism for sex. That's not what I'm talking about... well, not entirely. There's intimacy, there's sex, and if you're blessed you have both together. Many people can only do one at a time.

How much intimacy you have in your life has a lot to do with how much of it you can tolerate. We tend to pick partners who have a similar capacity for intimacy to ours.

What gets in the way of having a life of fulfilling intimacy is usually some version of keeping ourselves small, playing it safe, not wanting to rock the boat for fear that our partner will leave, avoiding vulnerability, being complacent, or just not knowing any better. This is all part of being human.

To have a life of fulfilling intimacy, first of all, we have to show up. Sounds simple, I know. But when we are hurt, angry, or afraid of rejection, it's counterintuitive to be more open. Self-protection is a strategy, not a solution.

It also helps to understand what gets in the way of us showing up more fully, and to be clear about the benefit of not doing so. The payoff of keeping ourselves small might be to avoid rejection, lower others' expectations of us...

To have a life of fulfilling intimacy we need to understand how it makes perfect sense for us to be having the difficulties we are having. Our family and relationship histories shape us and impact what we bring to our current relationship. We unconsciously pick partners who put us up against our most growing edge; we create opportunities for ourselves to grow in the ways we most need to grow. This is just what we do. It's a good thing.

Also, we make unspoken, unconscious agreements with each other. For example, he might have married her in hopes that she will help him to increase his self-confidence, and she may have married him in hopes that he will challenge her in the ways that she does not challenge herself. By becoming conscious of these contracts, we can shift them, grow ourselves in the ways that we need to. This is the path to fulfilling intimacy.

With support in accessing the best in ourselves, and understanding why what we've done so far hasn't worked, a happy relationship and vibrant sex life are attainable. Curiosity and a willing heart are all that is needed.

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