Leaving the Fold:
A Guide for Former Fundamentalists
And Others Leaving Their Religion

By Marlene Winell

Religion is supposed to be good for you. Yet people get hurt in authoritarian religious systems, sometimes seriously.

My faith was central to my life for many years. In answer to the challenge "But were you ever really born again?" there is no doubt in my mind that my Christian experience was genuine. I grew up in it and the benefits were real, especially as an adolescent. Later the cost became too great. Leaving the fold was then a long and wrenching process which tore at the fabric of my existence. Every aspect of my life had to be reexamined, healed, and redesigned.

People are often reluctant to talk about this subject for fear of hurting loved ones, of alienating others, or appearing foolish. They sometimes fear divine retribution. Getting help is a problem if you have been taught psychology is bad and going to a secular therapist would be sinful. Religious damage may also seem less serious than other recovery issues such as alcoholism or child abuse.

But leaving your faith is not like letting your library card expire or no longer believing in Santa Claus. It can be shattering to realize that your religion is creating problems in your life. Whether you leave abruptly or drift away over a long period of time, you may experience profound confusion and fear about what to do, think, and believe. You may also feel the rage of betrayal or struggle with persistent depression, guilt, and grief. Without the community of a church, you may not have much social support.

In general, leaving a cherished faith is much like the end of a marriage, but without the general understanding and help available for recovery. You may feel terrified about life in the "World" and think you have to go it alone. After having been born again, leaving your faith can feel like being lost again.

But you are far from alone. Many people have been through this and resources are available. There are steps you can take to release the old, restrictive beliefs and reclaim your life as your own, free of authoritarian rule over all your thoughts and feelings. There are many issues to work through and this can take some time, but the benefits are indisputable.

For example, in fundamentalist Christianity you are told you are unacceptable. You are judged with regard to your relationship to God.

Thus you can only be loved positionally, not essentially. And, contrary to any assumed ideal of Christian love, you cannot love others for their essence either. This is the horrible cost of the doctrine of original sin. Recovering from this unloving assumption is perhaps the core task when you leave the fold. It is also a discovery of great joy – to permit unconditional love for yourself and others.

I have the utmost respect for individuals who find the courage to do this work of questioning their religion. Personal change is always hard but this is especially challenging. Because your religion took care of so much, defining and dictating reality in so many ways, you are now faced with largely reconstructing your life. So if you are recognizing this and taking steps to find your own way, I want to congratulate you.

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