The One Secret Reason That All Couples Fight

By Barbara Lynn Allen

John and Sandy were yelling, flinging accusations at each other, faces turning red with rage. They were fighting about... a cat box! She wanted a self-cleaning cat box and he didn't. Why would anyone fight with their partner about something so trivial? The answer is that they really weren't fighting about the cat box. They were expressing their needs for power and control. But, ultimately they were fighting about love. Each one needed to feel loved, but neither knew how to ask for what they wanted directly.

You may be thinking that the one secret reason mentioned in the title is the need for power and control, but you would be wrong.

The true source of each and every couple's fight tends to go far back in each person's childhood. What happened in John's family when he wanted something? It was always given to him. What happened in Sandy's family was just the opposite, everything revolved around the needs of her mother, and everyone else came second.

In their marriage John felt entitled and his needs came first. He didn't even have to think about it. Sandy's needs were always ignored. This was old, familiar territory for her. It was hurtful territory because she was still wounded from her unresolved childhood experience of deprivation and neglect. So wanting a self-cleaning cat box had very little to do with the family cat.

Tom grew up in a family with an alcoholic father and a needy mother. He always tried to please Mom to make up for his father's inability to do so. Of course, he was never able to give his mother what she needed from her husband. Tom grew up feeling that no matter what he did, it was never good enough. When his wife criticized him, he would collapse and be devastated and upset for days. His wife, Judy, grew up with parents who couldn't be relied upon for the most basic emotional support. She had a difficult time believing that anyone could be there for her or be competent to meet her needs.

In close and emotionally charged relationships, our unconscious issues can emerge with inappropriate intensity. At the moment that people are triggered and engaged in conflict, they are no longer present in the now, but have reverted back to behaviors and feelings created by their childhood wounds. As a therapist, I help people stay present by teaching couples and individuals to recognize and calm their own triggers as they emerge.

People don't know how to express or receive love because of inadequate or hurtful role models and unconscious wounds. Blocked love-energy often expresses itself in painful fights and arguments, which are the emotional expression of the desire to love and be loved, distorted into anger, fury and ultimately frustration. This is the secret reason behind most couple's fights.

Even if our partner won't come to therapy or we are still single, we can work on our own wounds and triggers. By changing ourselves we give our partner the opportunity, as well as the challenge, to also change. The opportunity for more love is always there.

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