'How Do I Make Peace With My Parents?'

Dear Dr. Perez,
Is it too late for me to make peace with my parents? What can you suggest?

All childhood stories should have happy endings. But for those of you who never hear the affirming reply you've longed for from your parents, let me offer the following letter on behalf of the parents who can't... or won't:

Dear Loved One,

While you were growing up, we wish we had been able to be better parents, to help you feel good about yourself, and to feel strong and secure inside. Unfortunately, at times we were preoccupied with our own problems—our relationship to each other, dealing with relatives, worries about money, work, and so on. We may have looked like adults to you, but underneath, we were scared children, much more frail and flawed than you ever imagined. We had trouble giving you "roots" and "wings" because we were often still searching for our own.

You may have felt that you didn't get the love you needed because you weren't good enough or smart enough or attractive enough or clever enough. No, none of these were true. You must stop blaming yourself for not getting what you rightly deserved—just because you were our child.

We also had difficulty letting you be separate from us and frequently confused your needs with ours: At times we pushed you to fill in for what we weren't, instead of being aware of who you were. Or we kept you distant when it was we who needed space, but you who really needed hugging and closeness. Or we kept you too close when we felt lost, even though you needed space. Or we weren't tuned in to what you needed at all.

That's why we're writing you now, to tell you things we wish we had told you long ago and offer you the support that we should have offered you then.
When you were little, a hug and a kiss and an "I love you" could give you plenty of mileage. It's a shame that we didn't give you a lot more of them. But you are bigger now and it's not so simple. The best we can do is to stand by, believing in you while you

work things out for yourself. And we know you have the strength to do this. Nothing would satisfy us more than to see you find inner peace and fulfillment so that you can fly on your own.

In spite of our muddled parenting, may you remember the good things, the memories we forever treasure. And whatever we didn't or couldn't share with you, we hope you will share with others in your life and with your children if you have them.

No matter what you do or who you are with, you will always be special to us, whether we stay in close contact or not. In every way we are so proud of you. Take care of yourself.

We love you very much,

Mom and Dad