The American Touch: Seven Taboos

By Eugene O'Reilly

In my role as a speech pathologist working with immigrants striving to overcome difficult accents, I have been asked about what is considered proper in regard to touching, hugging, etc. in American culture. The following list is a basic guideline of what Americans consider unacceptable.

1. Touching strangers: Such contact is so strongly frowned upon that all persons share responsibility to avoid it and if it does happen accidentally it usually prompts those involved to utter a two-way "excuse me."
   Acceptable touches between strangers include: attention-getting as with waitresses, store clerks and customers; exchange an object as in returning change or loaning a pen; and getting physical aid as in trying to stop someone from falling.
2. Interrupting another's important activity: touching someone who was deeply involved in an important activity, such as, while raising a hot cup of coffee to one's mouth or during a serious conversation with a third person, is interpreted as trifling and interfering.
3. Too aggressive playfulness: mock wrestling, fighting, pinches should not appear more aggressive than playful. Clues before touching are needed to avoid rejection by allowing the recipient to collaborate in the play. Touch without warning appears to be an aggressive activity done To rather than With the other person.
4. Harmful Touches: avoid inflicting pain—stepping on someone's toe, touching with cold hands or brushing another's sunburn—in normal social interactions.
5. Startling touches: whether intentional or accidental, avoid surprising a person one knows with an unexpected and sudden pat, punch, squeeze or caress.
6. Moving others: communicating with touch alone, indicating that someone should move out of the way, is considered rude and needlessly aggressive. Such incidents usually elicit overt rejections.
7. Double whammy: coupling and aggressive verbal message ("putting on some weight?") with an aggressive touch (such as poking person) doubles the insult—literally rubbing in the offensive words. Intent and tone of the toucher are critical in defining this violation.