A Spiritual Path For Couples

By John Amodeo

Couples who come to my office often wonder whether it is possible to work through their conflicts and heal their pain. While one part of them may hold out hope, another part is often convinced that nothing will ever change. What needs to happen to create a space where something can shift between a couple?

We seek partnerships to experience something more than our individual existence can provide: more joy, comfort, connection, even ecstasy. There is nothing richer in life than a deep, intimate resonance between a couple. This is something that money can't buy.

I want to address two things that couples often overlook or don't do well, which creates much suffering. One is to learn how to soothe each other. The other is to soothe one's self. When these two practices go hand in hand, a foundation is created for the growth of a vibrant love and intimacy.

Soothing each other means that we are present for each other in comforting ways. We hear and honor each other's feelings, needs, and experience without judgment or criticism. By being present with another's feelings and wants without trying to fix or change them, we convey the message that we care.

The deepest pain of being alive is feeling isolated and alone. When someone listens to us with a kind, open heart, we suddenly feel a connection; we feel less isolated. Letting in another's caring is healing.

Sadly, all too often we don't know how to let in love and connection when it becomes available. We may be afraid that if we let it in, it may not be forthcoming in the future. And that will really hurt. So we live with a protected and well-defended heart. Or we are afraid that letting in love will obligate us in some way to our partner – that he or she will expect us to give them something in return. We fear losing our freedom and autonomy.

Blocks in our body also prevent us from letting in love. A chronic armoring happens. We learned to protect ourselves from pain and loss by keeping people distant. We do this through muscular contractions and other ways of shutting down our heart in order to stay safe. Alas, we may succeed in staying safe from rejection. But we also remain very isolated. So how safe are we, really?

This is where self-soothing comes in. Unless we have some capacity to soothe ourselves when the flow of love and support is not forthcoming, we will continue to distance from people. Some of the safety we seek through relationships needs to come from within ourselves. Otherwise, we will continue to hold unrealistic expectations of what another person can provide for us. And we will internally fragment when the other person is not there for us in the way we want. That is, we will react with rage or blame when things don't go our way.

Our ultimate safety in life is to find a refuge within ourselves. This is the teaching of Buddhism and other spiritual paths. But these spiritual paths, which I much adore, often miss the piece about allowing ourselves to be soothed by other people. Unnecessary suffering is created by not availing ourselves of the comfort that comes by letting another person into our heart and life. This is the deeper meaning of the Buddhist teaching of taking refuge in the sangha. We find a source of safety by connecting with others and community in a deep and authentic way.

So the path of healthy partnership is to find a refuge within relationship and also within ourselves. We can then take intelligent risks to open and extend our heart – allowing ourselves to be touched and affected by others. And if things don't go the way we'd like...w ell, that will probably hurt, but it doesn't have to devastate us. If we can develop ways of soothing ourselves, we can develop a resilience that will serve us in our intimate partnerships and in life. We can then hold the difficult or uncomfortable feelings within us before we speak. We can then respond to our partner with a deeper expression of our vulnerability – our hurts, fears, and concerns, rather than react in blame and rage.

The reptilian part of our brain is programmed to react in fight, flight, or freeze when we experience a real or imagined threat to our safety and well-being. As humans, we have some choice about how we respond....

Of course, this is not easy to do, but this is one reason that relationships are not easy. There is no instant gratification when it comes to developing deep, soulful connection. But we can commit ourselves to learning these skills. We can develop a trusting relationship with a therapist who can help us walk this path and give us support to connect more with ourselves. We can pursue spiritual practices, such as meditation, yoga, or tai chi, that help us cultivate a gentle presence with ourselves. We can develop other resources that deepen our connection with ourselves, whether writing, art, friendships, nature walks, gardening, swimming, or whatever touches our soul.

If we can learn to open our heart to ourselves and hold ourselves with love and compassion, we become less afraid that letting in love will mean a loss of self or autonomy. We become more able to let in love when it visits us in the moment. We then move toward the deep, soulful connections that we long for. Couples can flourish as they pursue a clear path of opening to the love that lives within them, while cherishing the love and intimacy that exists between them.