Beyond Nice Guy & Jerk: Tantric Sex Appeal

By Jan Robinson

Have you ever known a man (and maybe it's you!) who fits the "nice guy" stereotype? It's the fellow who possesses the qualities women say they want (committed, caring, and respectful), yet invariably gets passed up by women in favor of the insensitive, selfish, inconsiderate (but sexy, attractive, and exciting) "jerk." The nice guy may be surrounded by beautiful women and have loads of female friends. He might even find himself in pleasant conversation on the bed of the very woman he longs for. Yet, how to actually get her into bed somehow eludes him. In his frustration he might conclude, "Nice guys finish last, jerks get laid."

The reason why the bad boy is so appealing to women may not be so obvious. The nice guy cares about how a woman feels while in his presence. He wants to be considerate. He is aware that any demonstration of sexual interest might push her away, offend her, or at the very least make her feel uncomfortable. Conflicted between his desire to act upon his arousal and his desire to have her feel "respected," he stifles the flow of sexual energy in his body (however unconsciously), eliminating both the risk of rejection and the risk of offense. Moreover, he rules out the possibility of her perceiving him as a potential sexual partner.

The "bad boy," on the other hand, couldn't care less about anybody but himself. Living more from his animal nature than his counterpart, and far less concerned about propriety, his sexual energy is turned on as a matter of course and has the ability to flow out like an open fire hydrant on a hot day. It is not the behavior of the bad boy that draws women to him. It is the energy that flows out from an open sex chakra that is the lure. There is no greater attractive force on a primal level than sexual energy in full throttle. That is what the bad boy promises... and often delivers.

What does this mean for the sweet and loyal shy guy? Happily, it doesn't mean he has to be a jerk. But how can he go from feeling guilty, ashamed, or afraid with women to feeling good about showing his romantic-sexual interest, and having it work for both him and the woman? The secret lies in working with the subtle energies within his body, learning to consciously awaken and influence their flow and direction. This is Tantra.

One of the goals of Tantra is to expand and integrate the energies of heart, sex, and consciousness. Ultimate sex appeal for a woman is a man whose consciousness is merged with his heart and sex. He is able to be fully present with his beloved, from a conversation to a kiss, from fine dining to divine ravishment. Ultimate sex appeal for a woman is a man whose sex center is connected to his heart. In lovemaking, he is able to be fully, freely, and passionately sexually expressive as his heart bursts open with ecstatic love and aliveness. The man with ultimate sex appeal, unlike the nice guy or bad boy, knows that love and sex are not incompatible or mutually exclusive.

Neither the jerk nor the nice guy run their energies in a way that is entirely appealing to women. Although the gift of the nice guy is his open heart - his compassion, his emotional sensitivity - his limitation is a locked-up sex center (whether it's due to feelings of fear, guilt, shame, or judgment). The gift of the "jerk" is his passion, sexiness, his wild abandon. The downside is his insensitivity and emotional unavailability. For many women, unless they're up for a one-night stand, this energetic emission may feel aggressive or slimy, particularly when the attention is unwanted.

Greater awareness, a bit of basic knowledge of Tantra and a few techniques would endow any man with the best of both worlds as he transcends the limits of these stereotypes.

Sex appeal the Tantric way means a man possesses a certain je ne sais quoi, a charisma that women feel as they pass by. It is a subtle yet powerful vibration. In an embrace, she feels his warmth, openness, his masculine vitality and aliveness without necessarily knowing why. All she knows is how good, how safe and contained she feels in his presence and she likes it! When all is said and done, what woman could resist a man both confident and relaxed in his sexual nature and warm and open in his heart? Through Tantra you can be that man.