Why Is it So Hard for Couples to Connect?

By John Amodeo

Many of us who long for deeper connections wonder why it is so difficult to find the love and inti-macy we desire. As a psychotherapist for more than twenty-five years, I have explored this question in depth. My experience has led to the following discoveries:

1. Being intimate with others requires the courage and wisdom to acknowledge our longings and desires – what are often called our "attachment needs."

2. Meeting our needs for healthy attachment and intimacy is furthered by learning how to be intimate and caring with ourselves.

Many people are not comfortable acknowledging their needs for love and connection. They believe that being strong means going it alone. They hold the false belief that they have to be a totally healthy, autonomous, and "together" person before pursuing an intimate relationship. The fear and shame of being "needy" makes them shrink from the vulnerability inherent in being human. They shrink from the messiness that is part of the path toward intimacy.

Other people get into trouble when they hold the opposite belief: that it is the others job to fulfill them and make them happy. They honor their need for connection, but don't fully realize that there are limits regarding what others can provide them. They get irate and critical when love is not expressed in the ways they want. Or they shut down or leave the relationship — perhaps moving on to the next disaster. Expecting too much or too little from intimate relationships is a recipe for suffering.

What can we realistically expect to get from a relationship and what do we need to provide for ourselves?

The belief that fulfillment can only be found through being fed by others reflects The Buddha's view of suffering. Craving for something outside of ourselves inevitably leads to disappointment and anguish. However, suffering is also created when we don't honor our legitimate need for intimacy. We are wired to be pack animals. There is ample research that shows that we do not do well when isolated. Our health and well-being suffer without close intimate bonds. How can we deal with this conundrum of needing others without bullying others with our needs?

I have found that one essential key is to learn what it means to be intimate with ourselves, and then bring what we find to others. Being intimate with ourselves means allowing ourselves to experience what we are actually experiencing in a caring, gentle way. Rather than judging ourselves, we learn how to hold ourselves with respect, dignity, and tenderness. We open up to what is most deeply authentic within us and bring this authenticity to others.

For example, we may accuse our partner of being uncaring or selfish when they want to spend time with friends. We may say something like, "Obviously this relationship doesn't mean vey much to you!" Deep down we are probably hurting. If we can acknowledge our hurt and hold ourselves gently, we may have something new to communicate: "I miss you when you're not here. I really enjoy our time together and feel sad and alone when you go out."

This deeper sharing doesn't mean that our partner is now obligated to forego his or her or her need to see friends. But it is likely to give us a better chance of being heard and receiving a non-defensive response. This may include a deeper conversation about each of our legitimate needs, which may lead to a creative solution that has not yet occurred to us. At the very least, we are likely to feel better if we are heard, as being heard fosters a connection for which we long.

We may be afraid to contact what is really happening inside us – or we never learned how to do so. We may not have had role models for expressing our needs, feelings, and longings. We may feel shame around our feelings and attachment needs.

I have repeatedly found that when couples can connect with what is really happening within themselves – that is, contact their actual felt experience and reveal this experience to others, that a foundation for intimacy is created. Sadly, people often show their secondary feelings. They are more comfortable expressing their anger, blame, and accusations than revealing their hurt, fear, or sadness.

It takes tremendous inner strength to recognize that we are hurting inside and find a gentle way to show this to our partner. Our instincts are ruled by the "flight or flight" response. Or we freeze up inside rather than find a way to communicate with our partner. There is so much we want to say, but paralysis keeps us stuck.

Communication is always a function of self-awareness. We need to find tools to help us connect with our deeper longings and feelings. Focusing is one such tool that I frequently use with couples, which is based upon research into psychotherapy effectiveness. Focusing is a way to hold our feelings with gentleness and caring so that we may then show these feelings to others. Sharing from our heart instead of our head often shifts the energy between two people and allows for the gift of intimacy to be felt in a new and deeper way. Being intimate with our own experience and taking the risk to show this invites others toward us as nothing else can.

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