What Is Polyamory?

By Dave Doleshal

In recent years, a so-called "alternative" relationship style called polyamory has been attracting attention. What is polyamory? The word "POLYAMORY" means "many loves," (or one love shared among many people). It is used to describe the choice of loving more than one person at the same time. This form of responsible non-monogamy is not about clandestine affairs or cheating on people you love. Polyamory involves making mutual agreements with people you love, keeping everything in the open, and treating the people you love in an ethical, consensual, and committed manner. Violet Christianson, a CPA who has been involved in polyamory for over a decade, says this:

"I am polyamorous... I do not limit myself in terms of applying artificial boundaries to my loving relationships. So I do not say, "I already love person A, so therefore I cannot love person B and express that love in the natural ways that I want to express love to person B because I'm already expressing love to person A in a similar fashion."

Clandestine cheating and polyamory are both about non-monogamy, but that is where the similarity ends. Polyamory is about responsible non-monogamy. Surveys suggest roughly one third of the US population involved in supposedly monogamous relationships cheat on their partners. Such irresponsible non-monogamy is widespread in nearly every country. In contrast, polyamory represents an attempt to engage in non-monogamous romantic and sexual activity in a way that is responsible — all parties involved share honestly about what they are doing. No one is coerced or deceived. There are probably as many definitions of polyamory as there are people practicing polyamory. However, Janet Kira Lessin, President of the World Polyamory Association, says it this way:

"Any use of the word polyamory to refer to a relationship that involves any level of deception or that involves any level of coercion is a misuse of the term. This is why I say polyamory is the opposite of cheating."

The term swinging is generally intended to refer to friendly sex in a controlled environment where emotional intimacy is discouraged. In contrast, polyamory is intended to be emotionally intimate, though it might or might not be sexual. Polyamory is not primarily about sex, but about the freedom to create multiple loving relationships that are deeply intimate.

How is polyamory different from polygamy?

The term polygamy means having multiple legal spouses, either more than one simultaneous wife or more than one simultaneous husband. Having more than one wife is called polygyny. The term polyandry is used to refer to a woman simultaneously married to multiple husbands. Polyandry was widely practiced in Western Europe in pre-Christian times, as well as among the ancient Spartans of classical Greece, traditional Polynesian culture, pre-Islamic Arabia and North Africa, many parts of India and other places such as Tibet.

Although there is at least some theoretical overlap between contemporary polyamory and various forms of polygamy, in most cases the resemblance is fairly superficial.

Polyamory allows the same freedom to be non-monogamous to women polygamy has traditionally offered only to males, and such gender equality is one of the most obvious distinctions between polyamory and polygamy. But there are other differences between polygamy and polyamory that are even more significant. The forced marriages of young girls to elderly men, or the coercing of adult women into plural marriages, as reportedly occurs in at least some contemporary polygamous marriages, is totally against the themes of free-choice and gender equality that are central to polyamory. However, to the extent contemporary polygamy occurs between freely consenting adults who genuinely love each other and choose such a lifestyle for themselves, polygamy could at least theoretically be viewed as a form of polyamory. Even so, most people involved in polyamory don't seem to have much interest in patriarchal forms of polygamy. Monique Levernier, who has been involved in polyamory for 14 years, says this:

"Even polyandry seems archaic, stilted, cumbersome and obsolete to me. Marriage implies a strict set of rules and obligations placed on the wife to her husband(s). Having one husband who thought he owned me was bad enough. Having several men who all think they own me would be worse, not better. I have always found it much easier to get what I want with men through less formal and less entangling arrangements. My own ideas about what I want to do in bed, when, and with whom suits me just fine. I don't need some Church, guru or legal contract making those decisions for me. Polyamory means running my relationships according to my own desires, not by some external authority or rules."

Polyamory can be viewed as a natural expression of many spiritual traditions which have long advocated freedom, honesty, unconditional love and non-possessiveness. It is very easy to verbally express lofty New Age philosophies about unconditional love and non-possessive love. It can be can be far more challenging to actually incorporate such principles into your own intimate relationships.

Many polyamorous folk do take an interest in spiritual traditions such as neo-paganism and some of the more progressive interpretations of Buddhism, Christianity and Judaism. Spiritual practices such as meditation, yoga and tantra are popular with many poly people. However, most people involved in polyamory don't seem to have much use for dogmatic, "guru-centered" or fanatical forms of religion. A high percentage of them would label themselves as agnostics, skeptics or atheists, tending to view religious traditions that have historically preached desire is sinful and sexual pleasure is opposed to spirituality as part of the problem, not part of the solution. Says Vanessa Lee (age 23):

"I've been polyamorous since I was 18, and I consider myself a spiritual person. But as far as I'm concerned, all these so-called 'sacred traditions' which condemn sexuality, equate pleasure with sin and consider natural desires to be contrary to spirituality are not really 'sacred' at all. Such depraved teachings are not 'divine revelations,' nor the product of 'enlightened minds.' They are NOT 'supernaturally inspired wisdom.' They are all just nonsense created by very sick minds. Such delusions are either evidence of deep-seated mental illness, the tools of psychological oppression in the hands of power-mad psychopaths seeking to control others— or both. Sex is natural. Desires are healthy things to have, and pleasure is good for you. Any religion that preaches otherwise is worthless."

One common polyamorous pattern is an open couple relationship in which both partners date other people—or sometimes the same person (or persons). Another common pattern is a group marriage, which is like a typical monogamous marriage, but with more people. Three-person triads are a widespread configuration. Some of these relationships become true families with long-term commitments, children, shared finances, and other common family characteristics. Others are characterized by shorter-term relationships and frequent shifting of partners. Polyamory is more about reserving the right to work out your love-life and personal relationships in whatever way matches your own preferences and desires than it is about conforming to any specific philosophy or structure.

Most polyamorous people DO experience at least some jealousy now and then, but they don't let it control their lives. One of the central myths of our society is that jealousy is somehow a more irrational and unmanageable emotion than all others. Jealousy is like fear, anger, or any other unpleasant emotion: something to be dealt with and learned from. When dealt with honestly, consciously, and unflinchingly, jealousy loses its power. Much like depression or pain, jealousy, in all its various forms, may be seen as a signal that something needs investigation, attention, and care. Jealousy management is a learnable skill. There are numerous seminars and workshops to train people in methods of jealousy management. Most of the major polyamory conferences include at least a few presentations on this subject, and every part of the country has counselors and coaches who are skilled in training people how to deal with jealousy. There are dozens of different approaches that are effective. A google search for "jealousy management" will quickly find such professionals and events in your area.

For some fortunate few people, polyamory seems to come naturally and effortlessly. But most of us find we need to "unlearn" a lot of our psychological and social conditioning. Most people find they need to learn to be much more honest with themselves and other people about their own desires than people usually are. Many people discover they need to improve their communication skills. If you become involved in polyamory, you may find yourself branded a social deviant in the eyes of more conservative people, and therefore may have to learn to deal more courageously with your fears of social disapproval.

There are many excellent books available, such Polyamory (Deborah Anapol), Compersion (Deborah Anapol), The Ethical Slut (Dossie Easton) and Polyamory: Many Loves (Janet Kira Lessin). There are educational videos featuring polyamorous music (Tes and the God Squad). A search in You Tube will take you to an increasing number of polyamory-related videos. The San Francisco Bay area has an especially well-developed polyamorous culture, with numerous different social events happening in different towns sponsored by various organizations. There are support groups, discussion groups, pool parties, picnics, polyamory film festivals and other events, most of which are free or available at nominal cost. Some are limited to particular genders or age groups, but most are open to everyone. For those willing to invest a little money, there are numerous seminars, workshops and conferences related to polyamory held throughout the United States. Several polyamory conferences will be happening this summer in Northern California and elsewhere. A few minutes searching the Internet will quickly direct you to most of these events. Happy Hunting!

FEEDBACK: CLICK HERE to email comments and feedback. Please note the title of the article or the author's name. Include your own name or type "name withheld" by request. Thoughtful responses will be published in our next edition.