Blissed Off At Nyingma

By Jane Garelik

So why not just be joyous all the time?" When my medi-tation teacher poses this question, I am on a four month retreat at the Tibetan Nyingma Institute in Berkeley, California. To be here, I left behind my fast-paced job, and the familiar stressors and responsibilities of my life in New York City in favor of taking some long overdue time for myself. For the last month I have been eating a healthy vegetarian diet and following a daily practice of at least five hours of meditation, yoga, and Buddhist studies every day. I feel clear, calm, and better than I have ever felt before. So when I hear this question, "Why not just be joyous all the time?" I am surprised to feel overwhelmed by a sudden wave of anger and frustration. Here's what I notice myself thinking:

"Why not be joyous? Are you kidding? Everyone would hate me if I were happy all the time. There's institutionalized racism and sexism, war, and famine. I can't be happy with all of that going on. I should be doing something instead of sitting here.

I'm confused and unmotivated and things haven't turned out the way I wanted them to. When things get better, I'll be joyous.

Come to think of it, you don't know me, so what do you know about it?!? Why are you able to be so happy? Why can't I be happy like you are?

What the heck is wrong with me?"

My teacher Sylvia, in her completely present and compassionate way then calmly asks the class, "Tell me your reasons for not being joyous. Really, I want to know."

As I tentatively allow my worries to surface, I see how Sylvia safely holds them. She doesn't judge, or brush me off, or say "Eh, don't worry about that." She doesn't back away from my unhappiness like she's afraid it's contagious. She just listens.

One by one, my classmates begin to release their fears and deep-seated worries into this accepting space. I feel less self-conscious as I am reminded that all of us, even those who seem the most together, have an internal monologue of reasons not to be happy. I see how we choose to listen to this monologue like a song on repeat instead of attending to the beauty and peace all around us. Suddenly I feel less bound up in "my suffering" and more compassionate towards "the suffering" that all beings endure.

With quieter minds and slightly softer hearts, we accept that everyone suffers, and that a lot of this suffering is tied to the thoughts we think. We realize that since they're our thoughts, and our minds, we alone have the power to change them and feel better. Sylvia says this: If you're worried that people won't like you if you're happy all the time, does it benefit you to feed into that and keep yourself unsatisfied to make them feel better? In fact, will it help even one of the personal situations or world issues you mentioned to be miserable?

I hear my fearful inward reply, "But won't everything just fall apart if I don't worry about it?" After a moment I really feel the answer well up inside me: "Your life as you know it and your way of living it is about to change, but that's a good thing. Let it go and it will come back better and stronger."

I think about the things that make me sad and dissatisfied in my life and I make a conscious decision not to invite them into this calm, quiet room in California. My thoughts began to slow down as I release my inner monologue. As my mind calms down, my body also begins to unwind. I sink further down as we begin meditation, knowing I am far from being enlightened but showing patience for once in the face of the new knowledge I have yet to discover.

And now I ask you, why not just be joyous all the time? I hope the answer makes you angry and frustrated. And then I hope it makes you happier than you have ever been before.

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