An Alternative to Dating as Usual

By Jennie Orvino

Walking into the ballroom, the young woman observed 130 people in two concentric circles facing each other and looking into each other's eyes. A man with an Aussie accent stood at the hub of the circle speaking words of instruction into a microphone while gentle music played. Whatever the facilitator might be saying, the new arrival wondered why each brief encounter between the participants ended with them kissing each other's hands, and then stepping sideways to face someone new. What kind of singles mixer was this?

If the woman had not been mired in traffic and arrived a bit earlier, she would have enjoyed an initial schmooze time, lubricated by coffee, tea and bottles of spring water, and nourished by plates of brownies and bowls of Hershey's dark chocolate with almonds. She would have heard the introduction by the Human Awareness Institute's [usually shortened to "HAI"] Peter Sandhill who described what was designed to be an evening of enjoyment without requirements, but packed with exercises designed to foster connection and characterized by openness and good humor.

An experienced workshop facilitator, Sandhill demonstrated an understanding of the difficulties of getting to know people—both for friendship and romance—in a comfortable and natural way. He encouraged the men and women present to "take the risk of letting yourself be seen and appreciated." And conversely, he said to try to see and appreciate others, "whether or not they make your mate scanner beep."

The exercise described above, called "Hand on Heart," is based on a Sufi dance and provides practice in looking into another person's eyes—an act that some of us find challenging. Although it was impossible to "meet" more than about ten people this way, just the gesture of opening one's heart, and then kissing the other's hand as a sign of respect, set this Singles event apart from any other. (Pump bottles of anti-bacterial waterless hand wash were scattered about the room and alternatives such as covering the other person's hand and kissing one's own fingers—while still maintaining the important eye contact—were offered. The way these HAI folks tend to such details is a mark of this organization's sensitivity and success.)

For the rest of the evening, the roomful of singles (a bell curve mix of ages from thirties to fifties) "milled and asked questions," and then after a hilarious hugging lesson, "milled and hugged." Some of the getting-to-know-you exercises involved picking a partner to sit with and do a more extended exercise that included a conversation, or the simple act of looking carefully at and touching the partner's hand.

Other exercises included practice at saying and hearing 'yes' and 'no' helping to dilute that rejection fear many of us have. Always, the exercises are conducted with a deep spiritual respect, accompanied by thoughtful instructions by the facilitator, and are optional. "You are always at choice," is a reminder Sandhill gave more than once.

At the halfway point of the evening, assistants carried out long tables laden with fruit; cheese, cold cuts, crudités, salsa and chips, and the singles had a solid half hour to replenish their energies. While some, mostly men it seemed, walked the edges of the room, the "meaningful conversations" did seem to continue.

Participants took this opportunity to fill out provided "calling cards" with name, phone number or email, and a line for "how you will remember me." It's a no-risk way of indicating interest, and the recipient takes it with a smile and a thank you. He or she may follow up, or may not, but the transaction is simple, and hopefully eliminates the horror of a potential point-blank rejection.

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