Ron Gibbs is a Bay Area psychotherapist who specializes in conflict resolution. For more information see his listing in the Counseling & Therapy category.

She: "You never listen to me!"

He: "Yes, I do!"

Power struggles, miscommunication, judgment, blame—isn't this the stuff relationships are made of? Not according to Nonviolent Communication^SM, (NVC), a process founded by Marshall Rosenberg and taught worldwide, whereby compassionate connection is restored through the use of some simple communication techniques. If you and your partner are experiencing conflict, here are four key NVC components to help put your relationship back on track:

1) Observations
Pretend a video camera is recording an action, and report what that action is without judging or blaming.

Example: Thomas gets home, plops down on the couch and reaches for the remote, barely noticing Beth. Beth is furious. She hates being ignored. Instead of saying, "Can't you say hello? What's wrong with you?" which would be a judgment, using NVC, Beth would first say, "You walked in and didn't say hello to me," which is a simple observation that anyone could agree with.

2) Feelings
Identify and express what you're feeling. People confuse feelings with thoughts. "When someone says, "I feel like," or "I feel that," what follows is a thought, not a feeling. Anger, hurt, fear, and love are examples of feelings. Beth might say, "You walked in and didn't say hello. I feel hurt."

3) Needs
Express the need that you have that is not being met through the actions of your partner. Our needs include our core values and deepest longings—what is most alive in us—such as our need for support, intimacy, respect, or acknowledgment. Beth might say, "You walked in and didn't say hello. I feel hurt because my need for recognition wasn't met."

4) Requests
State a request of your partner to help meet your unmet need that is positive, specific and doable. Beth might say, "You walked in and didn't say hello. I am hurting because my need for recognition wasn't met. Would you say hello and ask me how my day went before you turn on the TV?"

Don't phrase a request in the negative. For example, if you want your partner to stop drinking, don't say: "I want you to stop drinking." That's not really doable. Instead say: "When I see you drinking a bottle of wine every night [observation], I feel scared [feeling]. I'm wanting to protect our relationship [need], and I'd like to know if you'd be willing to call AA tomorrow?" [positive, specific and doable request].

Note the difference between a request and a demand. If your partner chooses not to fulfill your request and you punish him, it wasn't a request, it was a demand. While it's inevitable that conflict is going to arise whenever you put your heart on the line, use these simple communication techniques, and you'll begin to bring your relationship to calmer ground.

Nonviolent Communication^SM is a service mark of the Center for Nonviolent Communication.