Non-judgmental Dialogs On Post-abortion Distress
By Terra Wise
Beyond all the controversy surrounding the issue of abortion, Terra Wise offers non-judgmental compassion for the people involved. Terra Wise is a certified sexual assault crisis counselor, clinical hypnotherapist, and inter-faith minister who blends traditional and new age approaches—truly "a medicine woman and midwife for the soul." The following is excerpted from her forthcoming audio CD and book on healing post-abortion distress.
By approaching this subject in an honest and frank way, we are giving a much needed voice to a topic that has been cloaked in secrecy, stigma, and shame for far too long. I would like to begin by first acknowledging the very difficult nature of this material, and the courage that is required to openly seek support and to dialogue without fear or embarrassment about what may have been a very long hidden secret for you.
Many of the processes and exercises suggested here are appropriate for the significant others and the men involved in abortions too. Men may feel a need for an advocate to help them work through their difficult feelings. Couples may want to work together.
You may feel like you are alone with your confusion and hurt, the fluctuation in your moods, relief one moment, tears, anger, remorse the next. Or alone with your racing thoughts, the burden of secrecy, and embarrassment. Feeling the concern about what the family would think of you. You might feel a strong need to protect your name from shame, or be worried about how your family would respond to you being pregnant, the awkward discomfort of their knowing you are sexually active, or the complexity of having a baby outside of marriage, and then feeling trapped because telling them you had an abortion is even a worse option.
Perhaps you have a strong desire to share this experience with your mother. To let her know what you have been through, and yearn for her to be unconditionally understanding and supportive, hoping she would embrace you and just hold you without judgment. But what if you told her and she cursed you instead. I can assure you, you are not alone with all the many ways you might be hurting, others have expressed similar feelings, conflicts and worries too.
Post-abortion concerns can include feelings of isolation, grief, anger, guilt, shame, the fear of a punishing God, fear of not being able to get pregnant in the future, the fear list goes on and on for some women. The feelings could include the painful lamenting of a loss, the loss of a potential.
It is remarkable that Japanese Buddhist culture, unlike our own, does allow for mothers and fathers to openly grieve aborted fetuses. Ritual grieving is understood and accepted as a necessary potent form of transformative healing and integration. Even when a choice is believed to be the best one, it is still compassionately understood that the complex emotions and feelings of tenderness are a normal human reaction to loss, a natural part of any distressing experience.
There is a Japanese saying, "Let the past drift away with the water." The Japanese Buddhist water pouring ritual facilitates the expression and healing of grief. The ritual is considered an act of kindness. There are prayers, incense, bells, and temple grounds especially intended for this work. Small stone and wooden statues representing the deceased and/or the Buddha are attended to with prayers, and small articles of clothing and name plates may be given as well. Water is poured with intent over the statues as a symbol of ritual cleansing, respect, and lamentation. This ritual is a way to bring peace to both the parents and the fetuses who were not born, lost either through abortion or miscarriage.
Self-reflection questions:
Although each situation is unique, I have seen in my sessions that there are a number of similar concerns and themes repeated by many people, they just need help sometimes in clarifying them. Defining what is at the core of your distress is of tremendous importance. What is the most compelling feeling in your heart and soul?
To make sense out of the chaos and to help nudge this process along, as you work here on your own, it is helpful to ask yourself some penetrating questions:
- Which emotion is currently most pressing for you, if you had to define one or two only.... Is it guilt, sorrow, anger, shame, self-judgment, or something else?
- What are the beliefs you hold about yourself related to your abortions, and what do you believe are the feelings of people close to you?
- Do you wonder about having children at another time in your life, what are your feelings about that?
- Do you feel less interested in sexual contact now?
- Have you kept your abortion experience a secret? Would it help to tell anyone in particular, or are you feeling misunderstood from the reactions of someone you did tell?
- Have your feelings changed in the days months or years since your abortion? If yes how so?
- What do you need less of, more of? What needs to change?
- Would it help you to see a clergy person from your religious tradition?
Journaling:
Journaling may have one distinct tone for one person and for another the very opposite. There are some women who find themselves writing from the perspective of the aborted one, other women write letters to that being as if having a conversation, a two way conversation, a heart-to-heart 'talk', as if they are in contact with the spirit of the fetus. The 'age' and maturity of the fetus can appear to develop and grow.... From the journals and dreams of my clients it seems that some of the fetuses are apparently able to communicate in more sophisticated ways, as if they became wiser and older, others communicate in simpler writing, or drawing or communicate through meditation, a bodily felt-sense, some 'speak' through their angels and guides.
There is no wrong way to journal. The very act of getting your feelings out and onto paper is a wonderful form of healing medicine. Even if all you are capable of at first is repeating one or two words, or scribbling your rage, sadness, guilt or shame, then that will be your medicine... simply trust and let go, let it all go and give everything that has been bottled up inside of you to the paper.
Here are some more questions to help stimulate your journaling session:
- Describe how you came to be pregnant.
- Write what you feel you have learned since.
- What do you wish was different?
- Write about the procedure itself, the ultrasound, the medications, the time in the clinic, your feelings about the nurses, clinic staff, and other women you may have had contact with.
- Describe the time following the abortion, what happened? Were you sick to your stomach, or were you fine, and back at work or school as if nothing happened?
- As you look back at that time with hindsight now, what do you think was going on inside of you?
Rituals:
'When humans participate in ceremony, they enter a sacred space. Everything outside of that space shrivels in importance. Time takes on a different dimension. Emotions flow more freely. The bodies of participants become filled with the energy of life, and this energy reaches out and blesses the creation around them. All is made new; everything becomes sacred'
~ Sun Bear, Medicine Chief of the Bear Tribe Medicine Society, Ojibwa descent
Depending on your situation, a simple individual ritual maybe just the perfect action for you to take, it is also possible you may decide there is too much to attend to in one time and more than one ritual or a series of inter linked ritualistic approaches is more appropriate.
Naming the fetus
Some people feel much better when they name the energy of the loss. This simple act can give you a comforting feeling, maybe more of a connection or direction to move in. But it is definitely not for everyone. You will know at just hearing this suggestion if it is a good idea for you. There are some women who have had more than one abortion and do feel an impulse to name one only, and not the others. Follow your guidance about this. If you decide to name the fetus you can address it by that name in your meditations, rituals, prayers and your journaling.
Baths
Taking ritual baths is also a way to support your self. They can be elaborate with special attention to cups or pails of herbed water being poured over your head and shoulders. Envision that this water pouring will cleanse bless your future path. Like the Japanese water pouring ritual, the same intention holds true here as you immerse yourself in water and or pour specially prepared infusions of plants, flowers, oils, essences over your head. Baths can be a simple and wonderfully healing ritual by adding special candles, essential oils, and salts to purify yourself and the space you are in, it is not hard to create comforting medicines. Dropping Bach flower rescue remedy into the bath is very helpful for emotional calming as well.
Options
You may want to create a more elaborate healing ritual with a guide, a priestess, medicine woman, or invite a friend be present as a witness for you, to hold sacred space. You can work indoors or out in nature. Include the elements earth, air fire water, either, in any way that is appropriate for your goals.
The key factor is that you let your inner voice guide you in the planning of your ritual. Ask in your meditation for some direction, or in a journaling session, or for a dream to come that will help guide you with what kind of ritual will be most healing in your life.
Remember to consider rituals that touch your heart and life in positive healing ways. For example if forgiveness is the key issue for you in this moment, than plan something that will assist you in releasing your pain, your and guilt, something that nourishes you to help you move past the difficulty you are struggling with... Do not let yourself run around like a coyote chasing its tail filled with toxic emotions any longer.
A ritual can take just a few minutes or last up to many days. If feel nourished by any specific tradition, have an alliance with Hindu Deities, and pujas, the Orisha's of Africa or Brazil, a Wiccan path, Christian or Jewish rituals, or any others then move in that direction when creating your sacred space. In our culture today even the more traditionally conservative Jewish and Christian religions now have offerings by more progressive clergy, including women Rabbi's, ministers, even priests who are more flexible and approachable. So if you feel drawn in that way look for a compassionate clergy person to help you.
Collage Art
Many people have found art to be wonderfully cathartic even a spiritual experience. Art is a healing medicine for your soul. This kind of process is not about competition or technical talent, or showing your work in public, unless your want to do that. This kind of art is truly a healing art, a therapeutic process. Some of my clients have brought in clay sculptures, paintings, collage works, poetry, and dolls that came as a result of their abortions. Others prefer to move, and dance and use their bodies in a flowing or contained way to express their state.
Like journaling, expressive, creative arts can be the avenue of release for bottled up feelings, sometimes revealing in surprising ways what lies beneath the conscious mind.
A process you can easily do on your own is a collage. A collage is a powerful tool. It can facilitate emotional release, integration and healing. It can reflect what is hidden just beneath the surface of the conscious mind. It is a symbolic image of various aspects, and fragments and yet also a synthesis of the parts. A collage can be perfectly planned out, with great detail, or I would suggest an experiment in spontaneity.
Get a stack of magazines, pieces of fabric, ribbon, newspapers, and photos. Sit in a contemplative state for a moment to ground yourself and prepare. Ask a question that you would like insight about.
And then giving yourself just a few minutes to move from an intuitive gut feeling, an impulse in the moment, ask the part of you that knows how to guide you, quickly and without a lot of mental concern. Allow yourself to be instantly drawn to the images, words and materials in front of you without a great deal of planning or thought. Ask to be moved in ways that will illuminate your situation, or what is most needed to heal.
Give yourself ten or fifteen minutes, and move quickly from an intuitive place. Stay out of your head and let your heart guide you. You will be amazed at the images reflected back at you when you are done.
In closing I'd like to suggest an idea, a thought to consider for those who knew at the time of the abortion that it was the only right choice they could make, and now find themselves feeling conflicted and remorseful. It might be helpful to reflect on your choice from a new perspective. This is what the Buddha taught:
When conditions are sufficient things manifest. When conditions are no longer sufficient things withdraw. They wait until the moment is right for them to manifest again.
You knew that the time was not right to continue your pregnancy, you could not offer a loving reception to an unwanted chid, you could not guarantee their safety, health, or a nurturing life. And it is in that spirit of loving (and maternal) compassion that the very difficult decision was made. The thought and care you gave is not a sign of a cruel person, your decision to abort actually does come from a well of kindness and understanding about yourself and what you were capable of giving to a child. Women and men who knew in their hearts that they acted correctly, with compassion and care by choosing to abort, can feel overwhelmed by the negative and angry arguments they encounter. It may be helpful to remind yourself of this Buddhist philosophy, that the timing and conditions were not favorable, and so manifestation could not occur.