Markate Daly, PhD, longtime OPEN EXCHANGE lister, offers Philosophical Counseling. Philosophical counseling is not psychotherapy, not mysticism, not coaching, but is a unique way to achieve clarity of values and purpose. Here's a sample:

Being in command of your own life is a basic human need; a feeling of powerlessness is intolerable. Everyone, even babies, need the security of an orderly world where intentional actions lead reliably to satisfactions. People organize their environment to make this easier and to reduce threats.

Small breaches of this security are met with more defenses - another lock, increased insurance, denial, or merely looking on the bright side. But what do you do when something happens that is so bad there is no silver lining? When your hopes feel snuffed out? When there is no immediate action that will make it better? How do you prevent being crippled by a sense of futility and regain the strength for a comeback?

In the midst of such paralyzing emotions, rational thought does not come easily. But this is exactly what is needed. The key to an effective reaction is a thoughtful inventory of the extent of the damage, an assessment of what can be repaired, what has to be given up, and which areas of life are still vibrantly alive.

Difficult as it may be to turn away from what has been lost, health and happiness are best served by a retreat to the most vibrant areas of life for nourishment. It could be family or work or religion or a sport, whatever in your own life reaffirms and validates who you are. Reboot your program first. Then your responses to the challenge will be conditioned by your own values rather than by the disorder that has invaded your life.

Easily said, but people naturally fixate on what has been lost or on the process of its destruction. In the immediate aftermath of a loss, we sometimes cling to what is irrevocably gone. Or in a fit of despair, we may abandon what could possibly be salvaged. To distinguish between what must be given up and what should be pursued requires careful thought, ruthless honesty, and courage.

If we fixate on the process that has destroyed a valuable part of life, we internalize that process. Some of this is necessary. A detailed knowledge of how we were brought low educates us on how to avoid a repeat. There are two problems with this approach, though. First, we are learning to fight the last battle, whereas we must also anticipate the next one.

And second, by fixating on the process that resulted in our loss we subconsciously adopt it as our own. Then, in an attempt to regain lost ground, those foreign values and strategies infect our own actions. This is a well-known effect of competition. We become like those we compete against. In this way competition produces social conformity.

Freedom from this mechanism can be gained through a steady focus on the small, intimate aspects of life. Take pleasure in family and friends, in beauty and music, in the solace of spirituality. By centering consciousness in the sources of our own vitality we will grow stronger and see more clearly. We can then choose a path of action that not only conserves our integrity but also allows a creative response to flow from it.