Vivian Hankin, PhD, LMFT, ranks money as one of the big issues that derail relationships. Here is some sage advice from this longtime OPEN EXCHANGE therapist.

Of all the categories of problems in relationships (and individual work), perhaps the most common is money in that it carries with it many continuing but non-connected memories and influences from childhood. It's tricky in working these things out because money is indeed a very serious and practical problem in and of itself.

So, in addition to its practical problems for people, money can carry with it such things as having felt not given to as a child and therefore substituting spending money in a desperate attempt to take the place of and fill an empty place inside. In contrast, the same kind of childhood problem could leave a person feeling non-deserving of money or what money can provide.

"She just insists on keeping the books and doling out a certain amount of money. I admit she's better at handling the bank account and budgeting, but I feel as if she treats me like a child and doesn't include me in how we'll spend the money," Greg said. Laurie replied, "Well, if I don't keep a strong hand on this, you would just go out and spend all the money each payday on whatever you fancy without a thought to paying our basic bills." Greg asked, "When have I ever done that?! You're just coming up with excuses to keep an iron fist on our check book." Laurie said, "Well, what about that time we agreed you would have your own credit card with a $1,000 limit and you went out the first day and spent the whole thing? I just can't trust you."

As we discussed this Laurie said, "When I was growing up my father lost many jobs and we moved often. I grew up scared my parents wouldn't have enough money to pay the bills or buy groceries. I was always afraid of being in that position myself."

Those fears were what made her feel safe when she took control of the finances and both were surprised when she connected this to their own issues over money. We were able to work things out using this new information, allowing them to discuss her fears of insecurity and the real source of her feeling a need to control.

Greg spoke of his childhood experiences with money, saying, "I come from a fairly wealthy family but my father doled out small restrictive allowances and he shamed and punished me for spending it too quickly. I knew it wasn't enough to cover my needs." Greg was subjected to his father's using money as a way to express his need to control. He continued, "Now I can see why I feel that when she's taking care of the finances it's as if she's like my father and also why I want to spend money as soon as I have some."

Listening to your partner's concerns and childhood experiences may help resolve money issues.