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For Love & Money
By Kathryn Amenta
Kathryn Amenta, certified financial counselor and longtime OPEN EXCHANGE lister, offers her services in our Money category. Kathryn supports businesses, individuals and couples in uncovering the underlying issues behind their money problems and developing essential skills for managing their finances and achieving their goals.
It is not surprising that money becomes one of the biggest obstacles to true intimacy in our relationships, since it has become an obstacle to true connection to ourselves. There is good news, however, we have the power to sever the connection between money and our self-esteem, and to learn new money management skills that will deepen, rather than antagonize, our intimate relationships.
At the heart of intimacy lie truth and trust. When we enter into intimate relationships, we are entering into money relationships, so it is essential that we talk about money, rather than treating it as the elephant that we ignore in the living room-something that is huge, there, and not to be discussed. So when is the best time in a relationship to talk about money?
One of my clients shared that "the best time to talk about money is right up front in the relationship," because the subject has already been broached when you ask "what do you do for a living?" Another client jokingly recommends, "avoid, avoid, avoid... and when all else fails, say 'don't worry, it will be fine.'" Still another espouses that money discussions should progress as a healthy relationship develops: Be honest, but don't bare your soul after 10 minutes of meeting. Just as it would be odd to tell a first date that you love him, so it would be weird to pull out your bank statement. At the same time, hiding and lying is not part of developing a healthy relationship-just as it would be disruptive to lie about who you are, it is equally dishonest to spend hundreds of dollars on lavish dates you can't afford.
Most of us have real pain about our money issues that show up in our relationships-whether we are single and looking for a mate, connected in marriage or lifelong partnership, business partners, or siblings dealing with the dispensation of our parents' estates. Yet, over and over again, I've experienced how even the most successful relationships can deepen when partners take the incremental steps to uncover the root behaviors behind their money problems and adopt positive money management skills together.
It is never too late to rewrite your love story.
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