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Dear Dr. Perez: Does He Like Me?
Dear Dr. Perez,
I'm in love with a guy. I see him every day at school but we've never talked to each other IRL, but we usually chat on MSN messenger, one or two times a week. He is kind of a shy guy, and I have to initiate most of the conversation. Even though he rarely writes first I've noticed that if I wait a while and don't write for like two or three weeks he always writes to me eventually. But then if he likes me, why does he write to me so seldom? Is it because he's shy and has a hard time coming up with subject to talk about or isn't he interested? Is he just writing to me when he's BORED or something? When we are in school and we meet each other, he never (and then I mean never) looks at me. Sometimes he looks down on the floor or looks in another direction. But I sometimes see his friends look at me in a strange way, like if he had said something about me, but I don't know if I'm just imagining it. And if he has, I don't know if it's positive things or if they're just laughing at me behind my back. (thinking I'm desperate and so on) He knows that I'm interested, I'm sure. I've given him compliments and I give him attention by writing to him. My question is whether he is interested in me? Is he just shy or isn't he interested the way I want him to be? Please answer! I'm desperate to know. —Ella
Dear Ella,
I'm glad you wrote to me and I hope I can help. I'm not sure how old you are – teens or twenties – because this makes a big difference. You sound like you have a good heart, but not too much experience in relationships.
From what you've told me about communicating with this fellow:
- He's only interested in chatting with you occasionally on MSN messenger.
- Yes, he responds to you, but you said he usually DOESN'T initiate the contact, and he doesn't seem in ANY way to try to get closer to you.
In the development of a healthy relationship, trying to get closer is mutual: One person becomes friendlier and then the other person makes a comparable friendly move. As a result, the two become more and more trusting of each other... and closer and closer.
Unfortunately, although your relationship sounds pleasant, though quite bumpy, all the attempts of closeness are coming form YOUR side, Ella. From what you say, it appears that he wants a relationship with you, at an extremely MINIMAL level, staying at a SAFE DISTANCE, and that when you meet him in person at school, he NEVER looks at you. It's not clear if he's
- Shy;
- Carrying baggage from being hurt by previous relationships;
- Just playing games with you;
- Or, something else.
And you may NEVER know what the truth is, ABOUT HIM. But much more important, Ella, is WHY ARE YOU IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO SO MINIMALLY INTERACTS WITH YOU???? Are you
- Just lonely?
- An outsider to other classmates?
- Not getting enough attention from your own family?
- Or, something else?
So, Ella, if YOU truly want and are ready for a closer and real relationship, I think you'll clearly have to search elsewhere. Wait until you find someone you like who is at the same stage of readiness that you are.
Again, I don't know how old you are, or what stage of life you're in. If you are a young teenager, the relationship you have with this fellow my be okay – as long as you can accept it as MINIMAL AND EXPECT NOTHING MORE. On the other hand, if you are older and want a more intimate and/or serious relationship, then you must accept that this one is going NOWHERE. It's time to move on:
- Get support from your family and/or friends. Just ask them to stand by you because you are going through a difficult time.
- Write a good-bye note to this fellow;
- Become solid within yourself - perhaps with some new activities BEFORE going on the hunt for a new fellow. (A relationship should NOT be used to fill in missing parts of YOU.)
Good luck to you Ella, and keep plugging away at school. It will open many interesting doors in life for you.
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