Erotic Fulfillment for Couples

By Diana Soline

Visibly nervous, Michael and Kathy entered my studio. They were both in their thirties, attractive, professional and well-dressed. They had been referred to me by a therapist who wanted me to help them with their ongoing sexual issues. The therapist went as far as telling me he did not understand why two people with such different approaches to sexuality would want to stay together at all.

I asked each partner to describe what they felt was missing and what they wanted to create in their erotic lives. Kathy felt she was missing a basic excitement about sex. She wanted sex to bring more aliveness to her, but feared that stories about deep sexual fulfillment for women were just myths. Michael said he felt he was missing an evolution of their sex life together. He loved sex and wanted more variety and experimentation in their bedroom.

Kathy viewed Michael's desires for adventurous sex as burdensome and unrealistic. Michael, though he loved his wife dearly, didn't know how to ignite the deep passion he desperately wanted to see in her. Kathy, just as much in love with her husband, knew neither how to access a deeper sense of aliveness in her body nor how her husband could help.

As a result, their lovemaking was reduced to occasional intercourse with minimal foreplay which barely satisfied either partner's needs. Both were discouraged, fearing that despite their love for each other, their sexual needs will never be met in their relationship.

If true love was present, why couldn't Michael and Kathy make love in a way that satisfied them both to the core of their beings?

What was missing for them and for many couples was erotic education. In Michael and Kathy's particular case, one of the first things they needed was to learn how to balance classic feminine passivity with male enthusiasm for sex. Learning to respect and embrace the differences and bring opposite energies together in a sacred union was required.

When we are young, or when relationships are new, Mother Nature usually provides more than enough passion for loving couples to overcome obstacles to sex. But as we grow older and the new relationship energy fades, a deeper commitment to understanding and embracing of each other's differences is often required. Without such understanding and embracing of differences, sex can become routine, devoid of life and passion, and can even entirely disappear from a relationship.

Unfortunately, our culture fails to provide true erotic education. Most people unconsciously receive the bulk of their erotic education through pornography. However, most pornography is based on, and tailored to, male sexuality. Its purpose is to excite men, not educate either gender about each other's erotic natures.

As a result, pornography creates unrealistic expectations for both partners. For example, pornographic movies often depict women acting out their pleasure with wild and obvious abandon in a way that doesn't always jibe with true, deeply felt pleasure.

This hurts both sexes. Women feel inadequate when they can't match up, and men feel robbed, wondering why their partners aren't orgasming wildly within a short period of time. Disappointment ensues and both parties conclude there must be something wrong with them.

Over the next few months I worked with Michael and Kathy to help them ignite their passion. Through private coaching, homework exercises and educational videos, they learned about the deeper aspects of feminine and masculine natures. They learned to consciously guide their lovemaking dance to deeply satisfy each other and nourish their sacred union.

Kathy learned how to stay present with her sensations and how to communicate to Michael what her needs were from moment to moment in order to raise her erotic energy.

Michael found it immensely rewarding to learn how to modify his immediate desires in order to give Kathy plenty of time and space for her erotic energy to unfold.

Ultimately, what they have learned is how to love each other more deeply through their sexuality. In addition, now that they have a foundation of sexual understanding, Kathy has expressed an interest in exploring the adventure and experimentation for which Michael had been longing. But they've already learned the most important thing. They learned that making love can truly be making LOVE - an ever unfolding practice where both people feel deeply nurtured, alive and, most of all, inspired to grow even further into their full potential as human beings.