Couples In Conflict: Four Steps To Connecting

By Nadine M. Payn

Honeymoons, as we know, don't last forever, whether you're married, living together, or dating that special person. Your partner, who seemed perfect, at least for you, suddenly morphs into someone who has needs that are different from yours. You find yourself unwilling to accommodate adoringly. What if you have to do this 24/7? No way! Depending on your personality, in conflict you're likely to go into default mode, which might be getting sarcastic and blaming, cute and cajoling, guilt-tripping, or withdrawing to sulk. Whatever your M.O. when you don't get your way, you feel frustrated and misunderstood.

Conflict is inevitable, even healthy, in relationships. But how can you keep connection during a fight? How can you resolve differences and become allies rather than adversaries? I recommend four steps, which I'll illustrate with George and Maggie, a couple in their mid-thirties. (Names and identities have been changed to protect confidentiality.)

As soon as George and Maggie sat down on my sofa, I knew there was trouble. Maggie pressed herself against the armrest, her body turned away from her husband, arms and legs crossed. Her face was a scowl. George headed for the opposite end and slumped. He looked grim.

"I don't have to ask how you're doing," I said. "I see it's not good."

"We had a fight in the car on the way over," Maggie revealed. "I didn't do anything wrong, and I'm sick and tired of his lecturing me."

"I wasn't lecturing her," George retorted. "Yeah, I was pissed, because she broke the deal we made in our last session. I was just letting her know how I feel, like you said we should do."

George gestured agitatedly, and Maggie rolled her eyes dramatically. I asked if they were willing to work on their conflict without re-fighting the fight. They agreed warily. They had been married five years and separated once. A month ago they re-committed, and George had moved back home. Their "second honeymoon" lasted only three weeks, and they were beginning couples' therapy to help them stop their tempestuous fighting. In our first session I had taught them to communicate their feelings without criticism and blame. Today that went out the window!

My four-step process to help Maggie and George re-connect and maintain connection during conflict should be applicable to you, regardless of your fight's content.

I asked George and Maggie to face each other and make eye contact.

Although reluctant, as soon as they did it their expressions softened. I then asked if they'd be willing to touch. After a moment, George reached his arm across the couch. Maggie tentatively touched his fingertips with her own. She slid closer (still space between them) and said, "It's hard to be angry when I look at you." Not that she was ready to relinquish her grievances. That's normal at this phase of the process, but "Look-Touch" sets the stage for goodwill.

We were ready to get into the fight's content. Of the two partners, Maggie was the more extraverted. George enjoyed quiet nights at home after work; Maggie liked to kick up her heels with friends at restaurants and clubs. They had agreed to accept their differences. But once Maggie went out —with George's knowledge— she didn't feel it necessary to phone if she was going to be later than expected. He thought she was self-centered and inconsiderate. She experienced him as judgmental and controlling.

The latest conflict began en route to the couple's session. The night before, Maggie returned home at 1:00 a.m. instead of 11:30 pm. Already angry and anticipating that Maggie also might be late to therapy, George "ordered" her to meet him after work at "precisely" 5:00 p.m. Since variations of this fight had happened many times, each partner was a hair trigger away from going ballistic. So to "do over" their conflict constructively, I explained "Speak-Listen." First, partners must speak their stories in the following format: " I feel name your emotion when you do describe the hurtful behavior. This avoids character assassination and decreases the other person's defensiveness. The Listener must not interrupt. How many of us are forming our rebuttals during our partners' first words! When the Speaker has finished, the Listener must feed back like a tape-recorder exactly what was heard and check to see if it's accurate. The Speaker can correct if the Listener has put her/his own spin on things. Then the process is reversed. Simple as that sounds, it's not easy to be rational when you're upset. Experiencing your partner "get" your reality, even before the conflict is resolved, is a powerful step towards connecting as allies.

After slipping back to blames such as, "You're irresponsible" and "You're a control freak," Maggie and George settled into mirroring each other's version of reality accurately.

The couple became visibly calmer but still insisted each was right. At this point, I asked them to imagine how s/he would feel if s/he were in the other person's shoes. This does not mean betraying your point of view. Maggie was able to see that if the tables were turned she'd feel "dissed." George could imagine feeling judged and suffocated. I breathed a sigh of relief, but we were just in the eye of the storm. This is typical. When couples in conflict feel closer, they can become afraid they'll lose their autonomy and "cave." Soon George couldn't resist telling Maggie that she had an "unconscious" need to rebel against him as if he was her controlling father. That hit Maggie like TNT, and as expected, she exploded. George yelled, "I can't say anything to you!" It seemed we were back at Square One. But I noticed that Maggie's eyes were watering. I stopped the action.

"Are you holding back tears?" I asked. Maggie sniffled, and I handed her the therapist's omnipresent tissue box. "Can you talk to George?" I requested.

Maggie blew her nose. "My whole childhood, my mother never SAW me. I was just an extension of her. If I didn't play it her way, she'd freak out and rage. When you get that tone of yours and tell me from on high you've got the Truth about me, I can't stand it."

Beneath Maggie's bluster was huge pain, and George felt it. His defensiveness melted, and he leaned towards her, apologizing for his remarks. He quietly revealed that his mother, single and working two jobs to support three kids, had no energy to be affectionate. When George wanted her attention, Mom was either napping or tuned him out. Maggie and George were now understanding on a gut level how they triggered each other's childhood wounds and hid their hurt with escalating cycles of anger.

I helped the couple negotiate a new agreement from their newfound place of empathy and respect for the other person's needs. Maggie promised to phone George if she was going to be late more than a half-hour. George offered to refrain from "shrink" interpretations about Maggie's unconscious and drop his condescending tone. I suggested they develop a humorous "codeword" to signal and break tension if they got off track.

At the end of the hour Maggie snuggled up to George. They beamed at each other and hugged. I'm not sure how our next couple's session will go. Changing attitudes and behaviors takes time and there are speed bumps on the road of progress. But if you are having a conflict, try the four steps illustrated here. You might just re-find your connection and remember —with a smile —why you're in this relationship.