Staying or Splitting? That's The Big Question

By Kay Taylor

Is this my soul mate?" "Should I leave?" "How can I get this person to change?" "Are we going to be together— should we be together?" Many people struggle with the fact they feel deeply connected with another on a soul level, and yet the personality issues and challenges cause them to wonder if they're really "meant" to be together or if they should separate and try to find someone more compatible. So often we really "love" someone but we don't get along with each other, or we feel the relationship might be unhealthy for us. Knowing when to stay and work on a relationship and when to let go is the first dilemma. If one decides to stay, often the second dilemma is how to heal and deepen the relationship so that it really works. Luckily the answer to those two dilemmas is often the same.

Soul mate or Dysfunctional Glue? I don't believe in the idea that we have one soul mate, destined to complete us so that we can live happily ever after. This idea keeps a lot of people in unhealthy relationships for way too long. We probably have many souls with whom we've had multiple past-life relationships and with whom we feel a deep bond— often instantly. These people could all be considered soul mates. We often feel we love and know these folks as soon as we meet them, but then we still have to discover how we might get along in this life. It's not always about love and long term commitment— sometimes they are simply a pivotal facilitator to help us move out of stuck patterns, or a short term relationship, or a friend or mentor. If one of these old friends doesn't show up for some reason—or shows up but is emotionally or practically unavailable to us, there are others who will have equally matching energies and will provide similar karmic lessons. We draw exactly the perfect person for wherever we are in our own evolution, including choosing on a soul level to have periods of alone time.

If you are with a person who feels like a soul mate connection, but there are lots of challenging relationship issues, there are multiple healing layers to explore. Ask yourself if you feel compelled to stay with the relationship. Look at the dysfunctional glue between you. Each of us has emotional patterns connected to both childhood experiences and past life unresolved issues. Our energies attract like or similar energies—often expressed in opposite polarities. So if you have low self esteem and are easily influenced and manipulated, you are likely to attract individuals with low selfesteem who are controlling and manipulative. It is the same third chakra wounded energy, but the polarity of expression is opposite. This attraction of similar energies facilitates healing if you look at your own issues rather than blaming the other person for their behaviors.

"Tammy" was dismayed to find yet again she was in relationship with a volatile, angry man. "I've done so much work on myself already", she said. "It just doesn't seem fair that I do therapy and meditate and go to classes and my boyfriends always have this big temper, even when they seem so mellow and spiritual when I first meet them." In sessions that included intuitive guidance, astrology, past life regression and processes to integrate different parts of herself, Tammy unraveled a complex picture that included memories of violent and painful past lives, connecting her own fear of anger and angry people with a raging father, realizing she had lots of unexpressed anger herself, realizing she needed to work out and use her own feisty spirit in powerful ways, and feeling empowered to set boundaries with her boyfriend about how she wanted to be treated. As her own inner work proceeded, she was able to feel the strong soul connection and attraction to this man as a good thing, but it was balanced with a need to have a healthy relationship. It can sound trite, but she began to truly love herself. From this healthier place, she was both detached and more available to really love. She was willing to stay in the relationship a little longer if he was working on himself, too, but not at the sacrifice of her own happiness and fulfillment.

The dilemma of when to stay and when to let go is a challenging one, indeed, but as you come to understand and value yourself, the answer often becomes clear.