Wilderness Show 'Survivor'

By Mark Wienert

"Hawaii Five 0" it wasn't, but commuting everyday on the Oahu interstate made me think fondly of home. The best thing about consulting for a TV production crew is that they love to eat great food, and indulge themselves in a proper pint of good beer they definitely earned for all their dedicated and stressful work. Eating good food is number one with me. I know now that my chances of survival with these Britt's is looking good.

A funny thing about being an expert... they hire you as one, and then they ignore everything you say.

Some of you may think by now that working as a survival expert is exciting. Well, it is most of the time. For instance, pointing at people, places, and things saying such phrases as, no, no, no, that is really tacky, what could you be thinking of, and "if you insist on eating that poisonous plant, I can guarantee you a slow agonizing death.

Whoa, the Director is in a class all by himself. He'll ask wonderful things from you in a polite and professional manner only once. Once is all you get. As we were slurping our beers one night in a swinging hot spot, where young men come from all over the world to vomit in the urinals, we met up with another film crew on their way back home. I asked the director if he had any words of wisdom for me, he surely did. He said "Mark, give the director exactly what he wants, nothing else will do." "Cheers, and good luck," he said, and off he went leaving me curiously pondering what this could mean for me?

Some directors inspire you like, "I need you to build me a raft, Mark 'ole' boy, two rafts to be exact." The Director cheerfully stated looking straight into my eyes. He went on: "The rafts must be built by hand using a dull knife and your teeth if you need to. You must use all natural materials, completely rigged and outfitted for a cruise." "A cruise?" I choked. "This raft must be able to sail into the wind, oh, and survive a journey of at least 50 miles out into the not so pacific, (pacific meaning passive in Latin), Pacific Ocean. Have this done in one week please, And oh, make them so we can take them apart and put them quickly together again, yes? One more thing, make sure both rafts float!" What could I do? I remembered the wisdom of the other Director, nodding my head up and down quickly, and planting a big "you bet-cha - can do" on my face. Off I went in search of a how to book on "Building a Raft in 48 hours that floats."