Re-Visioning Commitment As Emotional Involvement

John Amodeo

Romantic notions about love have generated confusion around the meaning of marriage and commitment. In young love, the goal is to nail down a marriage — fulfilling your dream of marital bliss. But as you've probably discovered, marriage alone doesn't deliver happiness.

All too often, marriage is an attempted external solution for an internal predicament — a rescue mission to soothe insecurities, rather than a confirmation of an evolving love and trust. A true marriage is a joyful celebration of a pre-existing engagement of two authentic hearts.

Sincere marital vows may offer a tangible measure of safety and solace, but a deeper challenge is to understand how to nurture happiness in the marriage. As psychotherapist Carl Rogers puts it, "No matter how intensely a couple mean such vows, they cannot hold to them unless the marriage is satisfying. If it is not, they either demean or destroy themselves or each other, or they break the bonds – and sometimes they do all these things."

The infrastructure that supports love is a "process commitment." This bespeaks a commitment to the process of creating conditions under which love, trust, and intimacy are most likely to flourish. This requires a growing wisdom about how to create a sound foundation for love. It humbly recognizes that you can't maintain love through will power or a mental decision, and that the only control you have is relating to your partner in a way that builds trust, which, in turn, sustains love.

As you relish a growing mutual trust, you nurture a sacred bond of love. You then remain together because you're happily involved with each other, rather than confined by responsibility alone. A demand for commitment is actually a plea for involvement. Involvement is what really keeps a couple together.

Gone are the days when marriages are held together by duty, obligation, and longsuffering. People want and deserve something more — the richness, joy, and meaning that is the promise of love.

Shifting your understanding of commitment from a duty-based guarantee of permanence to nourishing a sacred bond of trust has profound implications for how you pursue the promise of love. Most importantly, it makes you accountable for how you conduct yourself in relationships. Your marital security then rests upon a commitment to various aspects of personal growth, such as your commitment to knowing yourself, being authentic, setting boundaries, and communicating with more vulnerability and less blame. There are no free rides. You need to work on being and becoming the healthy, self-aware partner that you're looking for.

The commitment to personal growth not only serves you; it's the best gift you can give your partner — more long-lasting than flowers or candies. This commitment to mature love creates a larger container for resolving conflicts and facing the challenges that await you in later years.

Marriage vows can convey your pure-hearted intention to work through difficulties on your lifelong journey of loving and learning. But the dark side is believing that your mate is now responsible for your well-being. Becoming overly dependent, you may be less motivated to pursue your own growth. You might abandon other friendships, neglect your spiritual path, or become lax about proper eating and exercise (many people gain weight after marriage).

As your life begins to feel empty, you may pin your dissatisfactions on your partner, whom you accuse of slacking off on their job as caretaker. Midlife is a time to become more realistic about what marriage can and cannot provide. The relationship can thrive as you hold realistic expectations of marriage (not too high or too low) — and connect with the vitality of your own soul.

Another's heart is not yours to own, but to share for as long as it's given freely. As psychologist, Eugene Kennedy, sees it, "At the heart of love there is a deep but simple secret: the lover lets the beloved be free. What he would like to possess totally, he must allow to have a life separate from, although shared with, his. This is the gift which lovers work at giving to each other all through their lives."

Midlife marriages can be more rewarding because there are fewer illusions. Meaningful vows can strengthen a healthy commitment between people who are growing toward wholeness within themselves. A marriage ceremony can be a jubilant celebration of a special union, as long as you don't delude yourself by thinking marriage will somehow rescue you. Whether you're married or not, you're faced with the lifelong challenge of:

• Soothing and staying connected to your authentic self.
• Communicating more authentically and effectively.
• Dealing with existential issues such as death, loss, and meaning.

Your commitment is most viable when you're dedicated to nurturing a vital, growing relationship. Aiming for stability rather than authenticity can ruin a relationship. Instead of expressing yourself and facing conflicts, you may placate your partner to "save" the relationship. Sadly, you save the marital form, but remain intimate strangers because you've ignored the marital process.

However hard your ego might try, you cannot control or force love. You have no ultimate dominion over the course of marriage. But the good news is that you can create conditions under which love and trust are more likely to prosper. By being committed to bringing forth your genuine hearts, you nurture a connection that is real and alive. This mature commitment improves prospects for creating a satisfying, enduring alliance.

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