Advantages of Losing Hope
And Other Matters Of the Heart
By John Amodeo

Here is an excerpt from The Authentic Heart: An Eightfold Path to Midlife Love by John Amodeo, Ph.D., (John Wiley & Sons, New York, 2001). Find this longtime OPEN EXCHANGE lister in our Counseling & Therapy category.

Wisdom rarely comes during the innocent days of youth, when life seems endless and we have an inflated view of our powers. The wisdom necessary to achieve meaningful partnerships and friendships often doesn't dawn until we reach some crisis point that prompts us to get more serious about life and love. Failed expectations, romantic disillusionment, the drudgery of work or family life, the emptiness of materialistic values, and a nagging meaninglessness make us wonder, "Is this all there is?

Young images of romance are destined to disappoint us. But as with any art, it takes time to become an adept lover; our early attempts often fail. Not knowing how to make sense of our pain, disillusionment, or despair, we may give up the search, or settle for very little.

Midlife is a time to revision your life to fulfill the deeper longings of your soul. The sacred salve of disappointed love can be an impetus to listen to what life is trying to tell you.

The Advantages of Losing Hope

Disillusionment is often the beginning of wisdom. The philosopher Nietzsche put it starkly: "Not a day passes when I haven't rid myself of another comfortable illusion."

Is your heart sometimes heavy, your mind restless, and your soul searching? Or, are you simply wanting more love and joy in your life? Then you're ready to ask these crucial questions:

1. What's really important in life?
2. Do I need new priorities?
3. What's getting in the way of the deeper connections I want with people?
4. Am I doing something that's pushing people away?
5. Are my expectations too high in some ways and too low in other ways?
6. What can relationships provide for me, and what do I need to do for myself?

Allowing these questions to incubate in your heart and mind can reap realizations that lead to a new era of loving.

Old views must sometimes die in order to make way for the new. As you move beyond young views of love based on merging and blended identities, you are ready to learn what it takes to share your authentic heart and live in a way that is depthful, joyful, and workable. You are ready for mature love.

Young love is the stuff of fairy tales and Hollywood. It's the romance of your childhood dreams. Young love is responsible for deep disappointment when you discover that the captivating romantic myth fails to match the reality of your life. Young love contains seeds of something deeper. This riper love retains the sparkle of its younger cousin, yet it embodies an added quality of depth and substance. Searching for a word to describe this rare elixir is challenging. Dare we call it "mature love?" Oh no, not that! Mature? Has it come to that?

For some people the word "maturity" rankles a bit. It can have the ring of being old — and in our youth-crazed society we certainly don't want to be accused of that! For others, "mature" sounds stiff and stuffy — nothing too exciting. However, the Old French word, "maturus," evolved into the word "mur," meaning "ripe." Maturing involves ripening. Immature is green and tart. Mature implies the full glow, sweet, full of flavor, ready to be enjoyed.

Midlife is a passage to a new, more mature beginning. Few people embody mature love in our culture, and therefore we have few role models to guide us forward.

The Passion of Mature Love

Mature love is thoroughly enlivening and passionate, but you're being more intelligent about it. You're beginning to know what you're doing and why you're doing it. You have an interest and excitement in knowing each other more deeply — and understanding more about yourself through the relationship. You appreciate the delicacy of love and you're learning to nurture trust and intimacy, rather than sabotage it. You feel the sparkle and pleasure of giving and receiving love — and opening to life. And if a relationship fails, you know that you have a refuge within yourself – and therefore know how to soft-land, rather than crash-land into a wasteland of bitterness and despair.

As you learn to create conditions for love to ripen, you ride the tiger of your longings without being thrown around so wildly. You take responsibility for how you're contributing to not getting what you want. You learn to deal with conflict and differences in ways that bring closeness, rather than disconnection. By allowing passion to be seasoned by wisdom and exuberance to be grounded in sobriety, the door opens to a more authentic and satisfying love. Far from boring, mature love is exhilarating. But the source of aliveness is within yourself, rather than originating from the other person.

In mature love, there is attraction and delight, with allowable doses of infatuation and idealization, but we realize that whatever light is present will produce a shadow. When we discover that our partner is not everything we imagined — that he or she doesn't bind every wound, satisfy every desire, read our mind, and understand each nuance of our feelings — we reach an impasse that can be either a death knell or a turning point in our lives.

Growing Through Conflict

Experienced lovers realize there will always be some cross to bear in every partnership. It might be a nagging health issue, or caring for children still troubled by a marital breakup. Financial struggles may predominate, or dealing with aging parents or in-laws who need support. Or, it may be learning to find a balance between the demands of work and the delights of being together. Midlife lovers know that relationships become more challenging as youthful light-heartedness is encroached upon by life's complexities.

Embrace life's struggles and imperfections — learn to love people as they are. Keeping your heart open amidst struggle, you will learn to love with more depth and substance. Burdens will become teaching tools for you to discover more about real love and life....