Intimacy & Sex
By Vivian Hankin, PhD, LMFT

The Story of Ron and Darly—
"He just walks up behind me and I don't even know he's there and then he puts his arms around my chest from behind. It always scares me and really upsets me," Darly said. Ron replied, "Well, I'm just trying to be affectionate. What's wrong with that?" She said, "You don't have to sneak up on me like that, and anyway what I really don't like is how you always touch me in places that have to do with sex." Ron said, "You complain I'm not intimate with you enough. I just can't win!"

This is a situation that varies in the ways it's played out but is very common with men and women. Surprisingly enough, our work involves defining "intimacy" and "sex". Some studies have found that men quite often feel that sexual touching as well as sex itself is how they receive love directly from their spouse. Women differ often, feeling they are two separate needs but are combined during sex. Women (and some men) want, at times, just holding hands, touching a shoulder, hugging, caressing without touching any sexual areas. They feel strongly a need for this kind of separate intimacy. It is how women feel loved. Our work in counseling is to have each see the others' needs and agree as to how they would like to work out the details of giving love and sex to each other in ways that are gratifying to each.

There are many other problems often presented during counseling between couples. Some include infidelity; serious illness within the family; shared responsibilities; and can we save this marriage? Others are where one partner is passive and uncommunicative while the other continually implores for input; another is how to interact with each others' families or friends; and another is where one spouse has many outside interests separate from the relationship leaving little time to be together.

But, regardless of the issues, it is always a wonderful experience to see the changes a couple can make when they truly care about each other and their relationship.