Non-violence: Being Heard
Can Make All the Difference

By Meganwind Eoyang

Meganwind Eoyang is an experienced trainer, facilitator and coach with Bay Area Nonviolent Communication, a nonprofit organization dedicated to nurturing the skills and consciousness to help create a world where everyone's needs are met peacefully.

Meganwind Eoyang came to the study of nonviolent communication from a very different world. She grew up fighting in gang wars on the south side of Chicago, and then studied and taught martial arts to increase her sense of safety in a dangerous world. Her longing for sweet, deep connection with her fellow humans arose after first finding safety and meaning in nature. Through her Chinese, European, and North American spiritual roots, she was excited to discover that nonviolent communication offers clear steps for practicing the compassion, self love, and love for others which these (and other) spiritual traditions invite us to live. She has been a staff trainer with Bay Area Nonviolent Communication since 2004, and is part of the team of trainers at BayNVC who facilitate nonviolent communication study groups all around the Bay Area.

When someone really hears you without passing judgment on you, without trying to take responsibility for you, without trying to mold you, it feels damn good... When I have been listened to and when I have been heard, I am able to re-perceive my world in a new way and to go on. It is astonishing how elements which seem insoluble become soluble when someone listens. How confusions which seem irremediable turn into relatively clear flowing streams when one is heard.
                                — Carl Rogers

My friend Julie Greene introduced me to nonviolent communication in 1997. Julie told me that most people walk around with a deep well filled with unmet needs to be heard and to be understood. She suggested that the pain we have around these experiences can make it difficult to be present and at choice when conflicts arise. Julie encouraged us to receive as much empathy support as possible. Doing so, she suggested, could increase the possibility of our being fully present with ourselves and with others – in part so that we don't attach our desperate need to be heard to the person who happens to be standing in front of us.
It's so easy to imagine this person in front of me right now as my only way to be heard, especially if I'm not being heard elsewhere. On the other hand, if I do experience being heard elsewhere, I may feel some sadness that this particular person does not seem to be hearing me, but I'm less likely to experience rage or grief, terror or despair because the deep need to be heard has not been met.

Empathy support sessions:

One way to be heard is to let friends or family members know how much we'd love to be heard about something, and ask them to just tell us what they hear us say for 5 to 10 minutes, instead of offering solutions or analysis. Another strategy is private empathy support sessions with an experienced nonviolent communication practitioner who can listen with compassion.

Receiving empathy support is often a deep relief for people accustomed to hearing advice or diagnosis when they share their experiences, because empathy support fulfills the basic need to be heard and understood.

Rick Migliore, an engineer in Santa Rosa, describes his experience of private nonviolent communication support sessions:

"The one-on-one work that I have done with Meganwind Eoyang has been very beneficial to me. She has helped me to go from feeling overwhelmed by strong emotions and feelings in difficult situations to seeing the underlying needs that are trying to be met. This understanding has allowed me to be more in control of my reactions to situations as they come up in my life. I now feel greater ease and comfort in difficult situations as I can better see what is actually at work within me and find more harmonious ways of meeting those needs."

Couples support sessions:

An Oakland parent participating in couples support sessions said:

"My husband and I received magical couples support from the Bay Area Nonviolent Communication trainer we worked with. We entered our first meeting angry, frustrated and hopeless. In addition, my husband was skeptical of the process. At the end of our first meeting, we walked out feeling connected, clear and tender towards each other. Within two hours, we made the shocking discovery that in a different way we were longing for the same thing. It was revelatory that what seemed like irreconcilable differences between us and incomprehensible behavior of the other was actually a different strategy to fulfill the same need. A month passed by during which the clarity we gained during the first meeting with the BayNVC trainer inspired each one of us to make some adjustments in our behaviors, which we knew would contribute to the comfort of the other. The second meeting was also surprising. I envisioned and hoped for trying to come up with an agreement or a deal for the future. Instead, we felt moved to express gratitude and more gratitude for the adjustments each one of us made so far, because these adjustments had made an enormous difference. We did talk about some ideas for the future but more importantly we regained trust in our future, in our ability to really understand, care for and respect each other."

In nonviolent communication couples support work, the empathy support practitioner slows conversations way down. The seasoned practitioner explores with each person in turn what deeply matters to them behind the issues and concerns they express. Before responding, the listening partner reflects what they heard is most important to the speaker before offering any responses. Thus each person has confidence that their experience has been heard and understood by the other. Sometimes this is exactly what was needed. Sometimes it is the foundation on which decisions can be built.

Most of us realize that speeding on the freeway carries certain dangers, and when we see an accident we tend to slow our speed so we have more control of our vehicle and have more time to respond to the unexpected actions of other drivers. In the same way, slowing down our verbal communications can support more connection and active consideration for ourselves, family members and co-workers when we see a conflict rising.

One of the principles underlying nonviolent communication is that we want to hold everyone's needs (what matters most deeply to them) with care, and to find actions and plans that include everyone's needs. This is a powerful commitment, because if people agree to actions they don't actually want to do, then those agreements are often not kept. When any of us (speaker, listener, or nonviolent communication support practitioner) hears a tone of voice that might indicate there is less-than-willingness behind someone's "yes," we do not proceed with the agreement until together we discover what else matters to the speaker. In everyday life, we are so habituated to giving up or pushing to get what we want, so resigned to the costs of compromise, it is almost a wonder to see that holding everyone's needs with care can result in amazing, creative solutions.

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