The Joy of Self-Discovery at Nyingma Institute

By Jim Bigari

The Human Development Training Retreat has been offered at the Tibetan Nyingma Institute since 1984. This year's retreat runs from August 30 to December 16. Nyingma Institute is nestled high in the Berkeley Hills, minutes away from the rest of the Bay Area but a world apart.

We all experience spontaneous moments of lightness and ease, times when experience is vivid and joyful, as if we had just stepped out of a cave into a bright spring morning. At these times we breathe deeply and look with wonder and amazement at the sheer profundity of the world.

It was easy for me to isolate this kind of experience, put it on a pedestal and look wistfully on it from time to time, dreaming of a life of deeply felt meaning. It was probably this longing that brought me to the Tibetan Nyingma Institute last fall to attend a four-month retreat called the Human Development Training Program. Offering a round-the-clock immersion in meditation, Tibetan Yoga, Buddhist studies, and focused effort, the retreat gave me the means to actively investigating the nature of these rare ecstatic moments, and much more....

Sometimes sad, sometimes joyful, often puzzling, but always rewarding, the investigation I undertook during the retreat was characterized by deep appreciation of all aspects of experience. I learned that I did not need to sit idly by longing for something else, something of greater significance. Each moment held the potential for a deeper, more heartfelt way of being. Patiently, step by step, my instructors led me to discover that I could consciously activate this potential and that doing so also activated a positive force in the world around me.

I learned that if I was peaceful I brought more peace to the world. If I was joyful, I brought joy to the world. When I could be compassionate, I could truly be together with others, dispensing with the loneliness and fear that seemed to stifle human development. Embodying these virtues were the alchemy that could transform any situation into one of understanding, patience, and appreciation.

During the retreat I reconnected with childhood memories in which the senses played a large role. I could remember the smell of freshly cut grass or the warmth of the kitchen after being out in the cold. I began to understand how we get pulled further from our senses as we grow in responsibility. and an ever increasing amount of our attention and awareness is directed toward the thoughts and emotional reactions which are tied to these duties. We may move from one place to another with only a scattered recollection of how we got there because we are so tied up in our inner dialogue. This detachment from our senses robs us of a felt meaning and appreciation.

It was with a new childlike wonder that I began to question, but without the heavy quality of needing an answer for some kind of fulfillment. The questioning itself became an expression of wonder and amazement. The dulling stream of inner dialogue gave way to a more pure appreciation and ability to vividly experience my surroundings. Answers came in unexpected ways.

Although I had read about spiritual practices and had imagined a fairytale life, one where all hardships magically disappear, I discovered that the process of self-reflection was sometimes a difficult and trying path. As we look more honestly into ourselves, we begin to see, sometimes in the utmost detail, all those aspects of ourselves that are painful. Not only are these aspects painful in obvious ways, but on a more subtle level we may find that we have actually come to rely on them and the negative lifestyle they support. If change in our outer environment can cause us anxiety, change on the inner level can shake us at our roots.

I was reminded by my instructors and those who have gone before that just as the pristine lotus is born out of the mud, we come to realize the highest human potential through day to day practice with the mundane aspects of everyday life. The spiritual path is more than a story or an interesting idea to be admired and discarded. Rather it is a very real and immediately accessible reality. The true power of these teachings lies in the act of their realization. I found that the Nyingma Institute offers to us a community of individuals who are working energetically and successfully with questions of ultimate concern, questions that address no less then the very nature of being.

There are many things that I could say about the Human Development Retreat, however I find myself drawn to that old adage "you get what you put into it." One could walk away from the experience with something as simple as a few relaxation techniques or with something as profound as a fundamental shift in awareness. The real strength of the retreat is that it is personally tailored to each individual's needs. You are presented with material and practices that are on a level you can work with but at the same time skillfully and compassionately move you out of your comfort zones, shifting you away from old negative patterns, moving you past what you know and into something totally "other." Although this may seem a tall order, if you put forth sustained effort, in sitting practice as well as throughout day to day activities, you will take away from this experience exactly what you need at that particular time.

Prior to my experience in the retreat I had been practicing various meditation techniques for six years. I had read that due to the subtleties of one's inner experience proper guidance was essential to any serious student. Perhaps it was youthful defiance, sheer ignorance, or pride (all three in all likelihood), but for some reason I felt that I did not need a close working relationship with a teacher. My experience at the Nyingma Institute made clear the importance of having guidance from those who have gone before. With this realization I was struck with the rarity and preciousness of qualified teachers. We are in an immensely fortunate situation to have such easy access to these guides. I consider myself remarkably fortunate to have been able participate in such a community and plan on returning....

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