Tantra & Relationships

By Diana Daffner

Diana Daffner, MA, leads Intimacy Retreats with her husband Richard. This article is adapted from her new book, Tantric Sex for Busy Couples.

Thousands of years ago in India, somebody—or a group of somebodies—realized that increasing awareness of sexual energy could lead to an awakening of higher consciousness. They developed various mental and physical trainings for spiritual realization. Sometimes a partner is involved, sometimes not. These diverse teachings are collectively known as Tantra.

Tantra? Tantrum? A woman overheard my husband Richard and me talking in a restaurant. She laughed and said, "Oh, I know all about sexual tantrum—it's my husband insisting, 'I want it, I want it, I want it!'"

No, Tantra is not the plural of tantrum. A Sanskrit word, Tantra translates to mean a "weaving," an "expansion," or a "continuum." Tantra is about joining and expanding, weaving our energies, for the purpose of opening ourselves up to the entire universe.

Tantra encourages mindfulness, inviting us to live each moment with awareness. Although the origins of Tantra are not agreed upon by all historians, the original teachings were influenced by various Hindu and Buddhist traditions. Today, they have been further expanded by modern knowledge of psychology and a practical application to our stressful relationships.

Sexuality, the most physically intimate of interactions, is seen in Tantra as a sacred activity, reenacting the original creation of the universe. Tantra lovers honor one another as divine beings. Lovemaking becomes a way to create blissful states of consciousness, to unite with one another and with the power and love of creation itself.

Tantra describes a movement of energy, a welling up within us, of joyous excitation. Unlike forms of meditation that cause us to withdraw from the world of the senses, Tantra encourages us to start with the senses, building on their ability to focus us in the present moment. All sensual experience is appreciated as a tool for our spiritual awakening.

Tantra brings poetry to lovemaking. When Richard and I caress one another's face and our eyes meet and we breathe together and acknowledge our rising passion, sense our hearts joining and our spirits soaring, this is Tantra.

Tantra occurs only in the present moment. When I smell a rose, I smell it in this moment, not yesterday or tomorrow, but right now, right here. And if I take that rose-smelling experience into my total being, aware both of the scent and of my bodily response to the scent, aware of the softness of the petals and the awakening of rose energy in my heart, then in that moment I am open to the fullness of who I am. This is Tantra. And if Richard and I smell the rose together, and we share it as a deep inner experience, our separateness dissolves and together we experience Tantra.

At one level, tantric sex is gourmet lovemaking. At another level, it's not about copulation at all. It is about awakening the energy of life that runs through our bodies. We discover divinity alive and vibrating within us, and we share it with our partner through sacred sexual ceremony. When Richard and I acknowledge this intentional awareness, our passion is renewed and love is reborn.

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