Navigating Shame

By Phebe Fletcher

Phebe Fletcher offers a new workshop in navigating shame in July and October.

Many of us struggle with shame, either because of dysfunctional families, disabilities, addiction, or just being in a shame-avoidant society. Regardless of our circumstance, shame happens.

Shame is the most taxing of our emotions, because shame is so painful. It is involuntary. It stops our other emotions and takes over, disconnecting us from other people, writes Donald Nathanson, psychologist and leading shame expert in his book, Shame and Pride. The disconnect from our other emotions disconnects us from ourselves. We feel out of touch with our motivation and original intentions. We get mired and feel stuck.

When we fall into shame, no other way to feel seems accessible. In our effort to shut down the discomfort, our overall mood becomes depressed. Equally difficult for us to manage, are the four main shame defenses, our automatic reactions to shame: attacking the self, attacking others, avoiding or withdrawing.

Shame is also tricky to address because emotion is sometimes contagious, and no one wants to feel shame or be reminded of it. If a person says they feel badly about something relating to their actions, their friend typically says, oh, no, don't feel that way!" or "it was fine!" denying the shame. Shame isn't talked about, so how would someone know what, and what not, to do?

Our seemingly unpredictable shame works in predictable ways. We can regain our original interest by retracing our steps back to actively remembering what our interest was prior to the shame incident. We regain not just our interest, but its connection to our sense of motivation and empowerment. And the more we 'navigate' our shame this way and reconnect with others, the stronger our connection to ourselves becomes. This helps self-esteem and begins to heal even some of the disconnection that gets carried forward from the past. The past cannot be undone, but it doesn't have to have the same power in the present, due to our un-navigated shame.

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