Heroine's Journey for Undermothered Women

By Soonja Kim

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.... We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be?.... Your playing small does not serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you.... As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others. —Marianne Williamson

We are indeed great. We are infinite beings; each and every one of us. Yet for many undermothered women, they have forgotten their infinite Selves. They have forgotten who they really are. As incredulous as it may sound, one can forget who she really is if there is no one mirroring her true self. These undermothered women have been deprived of this mirroring of their essential Selves from their mothers, their first love and feminine counterpart. Without much true mirroring from their mothers, these women as children have become lost and disoriented. they have needed to develop a false self to be loved and to belong.

"If I am so great, why didn't my mother love me? Why didn't she put me first? Why was she so mean to me?" Such painful questions as these plague undermothered women's hearts. These women simply cannot understand this contradiction. In order to make sense of the nonsensical, they often treat themselves the way their mothers have treated them: putting their needs last, constantly criticizing themselves, hurrying themselves, pushing themselves to do more, undermining their dreams and aspirations, etc. They do not quite realize that these methods do not bring more clarity and loving connections they hunger for, but in fact are absolutely re-wounding. Yet these ways of treating themselves have become so familiar and oftentimes the only remnants of their connection with their mothers, that they become afraid to let them go. They work very hard to earn love, as if love is conditional, and to remain safe in the known and the familiar.

However, despite the fear of rejection and the unknown, the inner suffering that undermothered women feel will one day compel them to want more. Their pain will push them to embark on their heroine's journey to reclaim their greatness and their true Selves. They do not have to wait until their suffering is concretized into outward symptoms of mental or physical illnesses, relationship difficulties, financial ruins, unemployment, etc. to begin their road back to their infinite Selves.

Yet a heroine's journey, especially for undermothered women, cannot be like the John Wayne type of journey, a single strong man standing alone, fighting alone. Their journey needs to be relational. They need emotional connection with others to fuel and sustain their journey, which can be fraught with inner and outer obstacles, Their journey has a chance to become nourishing and joyous, instead of harsh, scary, and lonely if they take the risk to uncover and own their emotional need for love and connection. They need to learn to open their heart to others, to learn to depend and to count on others. The journey has to be relationally and emotionally enriching to call forth their inner, feminine wisdom.

How does one begin such a heroine's journey? As a first step of this journey, you can simply begin to set your intention to claim your Self back. You must reawaken your wish to find Her, to connect with Her, to embody Her greatness. Without Her, your life, however successful it may seem on the outside, will eventually become meaningless.

As you truly commit to your journey of finding your Self, the universe will orchestrate to provide opportunities, people and resources for you. Synchronistic events will lead you to the next step and to the next. Go to a bookstore you are moved to go to, and let your intuition lead you to the right section, to the right book. Open the book and the right page with the right message of the moment will reveal itself to you. Trust your intuition also to find guides and mentors who will mirror who you really are. Your guide could be a friend, a therapist, a healer, an animal, ancestors, spirit guides and/or even a geographical area. Ask to run into your kindred spirits who would love you and accompany you on your journey. Before going to sleep, invite a dream to come to you, leading you to the next step. Surround yourself with everything that has an imprint of nature, reminding you of oneness and the wholeness of the universe. Meditate, visualize, say your affirmations, and anything else to remember who you really are. Keep releasing your fear of disappointments and rejections, so that you can truly own who you are and what you want in life.

It is important to stay loyal to this journey, despite many setbacks and a seeming lack of concrete progress. Your way towards your Self will become clearer and clearer to you. You will ultimately be able to claim your sense of greatness, without arrogance. You will know that you are not alone, that you truly do belong to the greater Humanity. You will be like the ugly duckling who discovers her true identity, finally able to fly with her tribe of swans.

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