Polyamory In The Real World

Looking for something different? Attend the World Polyamory Association's conference at Harbin Hot Springs this September.

Polyamory is a lifestyle in which people are involved in multiple simultaneous loving, romantic/sexual rela-tionships, with the full consent and awareness of all persons concerned. You may have assumptions, preconceptions and fantasies about what polyamory is like, but see what some women in polyamorous lifestyles have to say:

LINDA (23, San Francisco), "Polyamorously dating" for four years: "I'd always assumed multiple relationships were harder than monogamy - until I tried it. For me, the opposite is true. This "multiple relationship thing" forces you to be real clear and level-headed about what your needs and desires are in any given relationship - what your real needs are for any relationship. It was the dishonesty and manipulation required in monogamy that made it hard. Now, all I have to do is tell the truth about how I feel, what I want and what my intentions are. Guys can either like it or not - and often they don't like it. But any guy who can't accept the truth of my non-monogamous desires, feelings and intentions is not someone I should be involved with anyway. The ones who can't handle the truth drift away, the others stick around. After four years, the ones who have stuck around make my life more fun than I ever dreamed it could be."

MARLY (36, Berkeley), in a four-way relationship for seven years, says: "I started dating Kevin, Mark and Jay all within a span of six months. Jay was a veteran of open relationships, so he had a fairly easy time of it. The big problem was between Mark and Kevin. Both of them still had a lot of residual mono conditioning. Things were often tense back then. It took more than a year before those two finally realized there was no competition. Only then could they relax and go with the flow. A lot of things that were a big deal that first year aren't even an issue now."

ESTELLE (40, Arizona) involved in a "polyamorous open marriage" for 15 years: "It's those first 15 years that were the trickiest part... but I'm not doing it because it is a path of least resistance. I do it because, of all possible ways to be, this is the path I genuinely want, the deepest possible expression of my true self and true desires. There is no joy equal to having what you really want and being who you really are, especially in matters of love, intimacy, and sexuality."

KATHLEEN (39, Tiburon), involved in polyamory for 10 years, says: "If you can't tolerate social disapproval, occasional emotional discomfort and uncertainty, then polyamory is probably not for you. If you make your life about seeking social approval, demanding guarantees and playing it safe, you block yourself off from all the other blessings life has to offer. So move toward what you really desire, even if it's frightening to do so. No guts –no glory!"

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