Skillful Handling of Fear, Loneliness, Dead Ends

By Sue Roberts

Hard times call for far more than the "think positive" plastered by advice givers everywhere. In fact, this pressure to bootstrap oneself to success and transcendence can contribute to loneliness and depression.

"I try so hard and I'm not making it-- something's wrong with me." A better path can be found by first defying our cultural put-downs, like "Don't be negative!!" and "it must be your fault!" Then we have space for paying attention and acknowledging what conditions and feelings exist. We're entitled to the freedom that a curious scientist has in considering all true factors, then dumping out what's irrelevant or barking up the wrong tree. We see that many of all things happen according to the law of physics. If you leave food too long in the frig, microbes have time on their side because you forgot and unwillingly gave them time to proliferate. We're on the side of learning here, not blame.

It's a relief to feel entitled to give up reaching for too much, to wake up and find oneself planted on the earth, and to be OK on a basic level NO MATTER WHAT. Being in the present – and realizing and reminding this over and over gives us a chance to own ourselves and explore step by step. We can be like a mother cat toward ourselves—she takes her kitten away from wrong or dangerous places.

Our problem is not so much to bootstrap ourselves, but to get smarter, more realistically motivated and to keep from sinking or getting trapped. Then we can start peeling off the mistaken interpretations, hardcore beliefs and obsessions that paralyze us in our tracks and block the natural paths. "Being positive" isn't required to address this vital task.

Our human modern self is plagued by anxiety and believes our hyperactivity is a way of feeling alive and fulfilled. But we resist paying attention and living in the moment because we think it cuts off our options. We fear being stuck, especially if it might have anything to do with pain or boredom. We no safe haven, freedom isn't toward something, it's a chance to run away. We aren't skillful yet in noticing things from a peaceful place or in opening up to simple pleasures full throttle in a safe place. Without feet planted firmly anywhere, we can end up nervously nattering from the spectator peanut gallery, hungry and alone.

Some of us are more affected and hurt by people and events in the past. There was too much to bear. This sensitivity continues today and makes life harder when we are disappointed, betrayed, bullied or frightened. Stopped in our tracks, our understanding gets blocked, our pleasure flattened. Our momentum veers into securing a sense of safety.

Bottom line, we need to grab the right to know ourselves better and not let ourselves be manipulated by others or trampled by out-dated internal cruel judges. We see the art needed to face and hang out with revelations about our actions, moods and assumptions. Exaggerated or too early judgments get in the way, so we try hard to be accurate.

Many of us don't know how to hold others responsible for their behavior. We are silent in the beginning and then pissed off later. If we examine how we are verbally and non-verbally, we begin to take new responsibility for gentle directness, we can eliminate nasty voice tones and one-up or one-down stances. We're seeking information as to whether or not we have a real agreement, at the price of giving up some self-expression. We try to avoid cultivating excuses on both sides.

Here are perspectives from me, clients, therapists and leaders, about getting realistic:

"As a career consultant I have to tell people what's really going on now so they have guidelines from real information, even if it's disappointing. I almost got on Oprah's show, but in the last interview, the staff said, "I'm sorry, we can't use you, Marty. Our job is to sell DREAMS." (Marty Nemko)

"As I look over my life, I can now see where many people generously danced up to me and freely loved and gave to me. I wasn't aware or gracious toward those gifts as I was focused on getting something and somewhere else. Gosh, I was rude! We all missed out in sharing sweetness. Thanks to all of you who tried! Being mindful can have a very healthy self-serving side."

"Have you noticed that we like to hang out with the guy who freely admits to his mistakes and tries to make up for them, but is immune to unfair efforts to guilt-trip? He connects us and keeps an open funny heart. I knew a big emotional Italian fire fighter turned cook. Ron ran his café like a high school improv class, like recess, like a playpen with rampant bear hugs. We packed the place. I wish each of us could be our own radiating hub of infectious, caring goofiness."

"Being realistic doesn't mean you believe every negative thought, information or experience that comes your way. You learn to hold each thing at a distance to reflect upon it. The same as you when someone's offering 'positively' something too good to be true. Acceptance doesn't imply that you like or embrace or submit to something. It's more simple than that."

 "What to do when you're stressed out and the umpteenth thing comes at you and seems to be the one that will put you over the edge? You say gently to yourself "And there's that, too." (Ram Dass)

"I live in a studio cottage. A fellow alumnae kept commenting on how small my place is. Later, a 16-year old girl from the Fiji Islands visited me with my best friend and my niece, and they all slept on the floor. She remarked, 'You have ALL this space for JUST YOU??!"

"Practicing focusing with my therapist, we hung in there just asking questions, nudging me to feel the sensations in my body and noticing how they were connected to feelings, images and hidden fearful places. I was able to keep just enough distance so I wasn't overwhelmed. After a while, I felt a real shift. I laughed out loud and saw a new solution to my problem that I hadn't seen before. I have my own resources."

"The only time that calls for being frantic is when somebody or something really valuable is in danger. I'm learning to lower my reactivity and defy all that anxiety coming at me from pseudo-threats."

"People think they're doing good by inspiring kids with that you-can-do-anything-you want-to hooey. These mentors go home all warm and fuzzy not seeing that the kids know that there's only 10 slot out of hundred in this pyramid scheme. Rather than leaving them isolated and facing this on their own, let's honor the firmness of their money and job limitations. Let's help hem live creatively and honorably in all parts of their lives."

"Our job is to see 'things-as-it-is." You want a one-sentence definition of Zen? Ha, yes, 'Not always so.' (In response to another question after a long pause) 'I don't know'" (Suzuki Rochi, Zen teacher.)

"I told my therapist in exasperation, 'I'm feeling so damn sorry for myself!' He said "Maybe you're just feeling SAD for yourself.' I suddenly felt OK, normal, included—like sadness has its place."

"Ask for help. Keep asking for help. Give others a chance to wake up and share. Don't quit just because you feel ashamed you're needy. That's just shame FEELINGS, not real shame. Keep at it. That's what community is about. And of course, simply hold up your end—keep offering help, support, connections, blessings. Keep the flow going, don't let it get stopped in you."

"A therapist is a companion you hire for a while so you can see and sort stuff and find your direction from here."

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