Yin & Yang In the Bedroom
By Diana Daffner
Diana Daffner, CS, MA, with her husband Richard, is the developer of Tantra Tai Chi, the author of Tantric Sex for Busy Couples, and leads Intimacy Retreats in the U.S. and abroad.
The giving and receiving of pleasure is a need and an ecstasy.
Mars was the Roman god of war; Venus was the goddess of love. Men and women are often seen as opposites, but I prefer to think of us as a pair. Pairs are in relationship with one another. The concept of pairs appears in almost all human stories, myths, and spiritual literature. Everyone is familiar with Adam and Eve and the later two-by-two boarding of Noah's ark. Our lives are filled with paired opposites or complementary qualities, such as giving/receiving, day/night, fire/water, inside/outside, slow/fast, wet/dry, earth/sky. All of these are embraced and explained within the classic philosophy of Yin and Yang.
In a relationship, the emotional yearning for deep intimate bonding is a Yin attribute, whether recognized in the heart of a man or a woman. Our Yin nature always reminds us that we are part of a larger wholeness. We are driven by an ongoing desire to recreate and visit that Oneness. Perhaps we somehow remember the womb or maybe another dimension where connection reigns supreme.
The physical desire for sexual release, the driving force of physical attraction, is Yang, whether arising in the body of a man or a woman. Our Yang side tells us that we are earthly individuals, each unique and separate. In the bedroom, we are empowered by our own and, when we are generous, our partner's sexual fulfillment.
Both are true we are indeed encased in our own skin, and we are also ultimately connected at a core level. It is the merging of this two truths and desires, the coming together of the Yin and the Yang within each of us, that elevates a lovemaking experience to its highest evolution.
Deep within all of our hearts lies a profound yearning to both give love and to receive love. Jewish Kabbalah mystics describe the physical world as a vessel for receiving the light of divine love. And within this physical world, we humans have been endowed with the power to shine back that same love. We are both the givers and receivers of divine light.
Our Yang ability to radiate the brightness of love is paralleled by our equally extraordinary Yin ability to receive love. Sometimes it seems that we wear ourselves out trying to live up to one of these divine gifts, while ignoring the other. We sometimes give too much or too little. We are often out of balance. We may be shining our divine light into the hearts of others, but perhaps we have closed down the boundaries to our own heart, limiting access to the very treasure that we yearn to share.
Within our individual personalities and preferences, a healthy balance of Yin and Yang gives us strength and authenticity. When we are too Yin, we are unable to stand in our own truth. When we are too Yang, we are unable to make room for our partner's truth.
In sexual love, we both extend (Yang) and receive (Yin). Even our anatomy blends these two principles. We each have both external and internal pleasure places. While a man appears to be primarily Yang and a woman primarily Yin, the fullness of lovemaking allows and creates transformation: back and forth, yang to yin and yin to yang. These dynamic forces are always interactive, always moving in relation to one another. And they are always changing. Yin and Yang are linked together in a dance of balance and change.
Although we often think of giving as a feminine trait, giving is actually a Yang attribute because it has outward direction. Some of us, male or female, are natural givers; others are not. For many of us, both male and female, it is often more challenging to be the receiver, to really receive, to really let go of control and allow our partner the gift of being in charge as the giver, to be fully Yang.
In the bedroom, by separating into roles of Yin and Yang, receiver and giver, we can intensify the experience for each partner and restore ourselves, and our relationship, to a balance of both.
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