Q & A on Sex & Romance with Isadora Alman

Isadora Alman is the author of Doing It: Real People Having Really Good Sex, among other books, a Board certified sexologist, a California licensed relationship therapist, and a syndicated sex and relationship columnist. You can find more Q & A's from her "Ask Isadora" columns at her free online Sexuality Forum. Her new novel, Bluebirds of Impossible Paradises, A Sexual Odyssey of the 70's has just been published by Amazon.com as an eBook.

A: Have you ever tried to stop a sneeze by pinching your nose closed or holding a finger underneath? You get a tickle, the Ah Ah Ah part, but no CHOO! When you sneeze with no interference, there is the Ah Ah Ah part, the buildup of tension, the catching of your breath and then the shuddering release, sometimes with a loud explosion, sometimes with a small spasm, but a definite sense of buildup and then release. That's what an orgasm is. Sometimes there's one huge spasm of relief, sometimes a few small ones like a series of little sneezes. Sometimes it can be felt as localized in the genitals, sometimes as a full body spasm. The common feeling of both sneezes and orgasms is the tension buildup and then the letting go. Some people cry out during orgasm or there can be tears or shudders of "after shock". Some people are sleepy afterwards and some are energized. There is no one way an orgasm occurs to everyone, not even to all women. If, after sex, you feel satisfied, loose, relaxed, you probably have had an orgasm. If not, not.

A: I wouldn't count on it. You have several possibilities in the future. One is not to have sex until you're sure this could be a meaningful relationship. The other is to be clear before you have sex that you are both exploring the possibilities here, not making a commitment. While many women see being sexual as a commitment, there are many who do not. Be clear about your intentions and expectations beforehand so you are less likely to get into the predicament you now find yourself. At this point, all you can do is tell the women all the things you do like about her and honestly say you see no possibilities for the future. Apologise for having misled her, if she feels you have done so, and then get out of Dodge. Please, no "Can't we be friends?" unless you sincerely would like her friendship. If you do, make sure she knows what is being offered and what is not.

A: The herpes virus can stay in a person's system, quietly lurking, until a stressful time in life provokes an outbreak. A homecoming from war can certainly be stressful. It doesn't have to be bad stress. This means that you may have had herpes for some time or he may have. It does not mean he recently cheated. If it does turn out to be herpes you can both be tested as to the exact strains each of you has. Symptoms can be treated but you must always use condoms if either of you has sex with someone else even if he never has had an outbreak or if you never have another one. Once in your system herpes is always contagious.

A: If it's a one time thing you can offer a mint or gum and say "Did you have garlic for lunch?" Sure, both of you might be embarrassed, but it's better than turning your head away all the time. If it's chronic it really could be a health problem and you are doing a kindness to bring it to his or her awareness by saying something like "I have noticed an odd smell to your mouth recently. I really do think you should have it checked out."

A: It really depends on the reason they disappeared. If you are angry with your boyfriend, that often smothers all sexual feelings until the cause of your anger is dealt with. If there are some solvable relationship or sexual issues, the feelings can flourish again when the issues are resolved. If you are depressed and lost all sexual feelings, treating your depression can allow you to feel sexual again. Before ending your relationship it's worth exploring what's going on with you and between you, don't you think?

A: My grandmother used to say "there is a lid for every pot." I'm not so sure that's true. Some of my pots have no lids that are a good fit and I have a few extra lids in my cupboard that have no pots at all. I'm sure that's true of human beings too. Nonetheless, there are certainly men who miss female companionship as well as the traditional nurturing behaviors that older women are likely to provide. Just be clear with your expectations and ask the man his when there seems to be any possibility of a relationship happening.

A: Learn about yourself, your wants, expectations and your own body. Look at your genitals and know where the various parts are. Find out what kind of touches you like and where it feels good by exploring on your own. Learn about the variety of birth control and disease protection available and use them consistently. (Planned Parenthood is a good source for this information.) Lastly, choose any partner wisely. If you can't trust this person with your body, your reputation, your affections, then this is not a person with whom to have sex.

You may have heard me saying this many times before but here it is again: there is no "shoulds" about how people share pleasure. It's always a very personal determination. The touching and caressing that is often used to get a partner ready for intercourse doesn't have to be the appetizer for the main event but can very well be the main event itself, or the dessert. There are no rules about Activity B having to precede Activity C. People do what feels good when it feels good and not a thing wrong with trying to make feeling good last as long as possible.

A: Only if you allow her to. Did she take away your car keys? Are you locked in the bathroom? Otherwise any adult is free to leave a relationship that no longer works and the one left has to deal with that. If the two of you can't arrive at a way of parting friends (like "You take the cat and I'll take the plants") then lawyers have to become involved and that's financial pain on top of the emotional one. If you are held to this relationship with financial obligations like a lease, mortgage, or other contract it certainly is best to get legal counsel before leaving. One can always leave, but there usually is a cost of some sort, financial or emotional, to both.

A: You want dueling therapists? If you don't agree with your therapist's suggestion – therapists do not give orders – say so; to him or her, not to me. I have made this suggestion to couples in my counseling office. Sometimes it works for the couple and sometimes not. Does it sound more romantic to you not to have any sex at all? My suggestion is to try scheduling. If it doesn't work after a few times discuss it in therapy and see how you can modify the arrangement to be more comfortable for you and your husband.

A: In plain words: "Honey, when you kiss my neck or invite me to come cuddle with you I get that you're interested in having sex and that works for me, When you let me know by hitting me on the bottom it turns me off. That's not the effect you're aiming for, is it?" Since none of us come to a marriage with a User's Manual, we each have to be in charge of constantly letting our partner know what keeps us happy. While you're having this discussion, you might ask your husband how he would like you to let him know when you're in the mood. I have heard men complain that a women's signals of interest are often just too subtle. If she indicates her interest and he doesn't get it, both are going to be disappointed and a great opportunity is lost. Talk to each other!

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