Is Your Lover a Toxic Narcissist?
Test How Much They Care About YOU

By Sue Roberts

	THE PRICE OF BEAUTY: In Greek mythology beautiful Narcissus was exceptionally proud and disdained those who loved him. Endlessly fascinated with himself to the exclusion of all others, Narcissus died alone, staring into his own reflection.

Everybody can be self-centered at times, but some narcissists are practically incapable of caring about anyone but themselves. No matter how charming, no matter how much your dear one rings your bells and shakes your chimes, real intimacy is illusive. So should you stay or leave? It may be time to face what you fear about "being alone" again!

Some narcissists are worse than others. "Lite" narcissists are more reasonable, more responsive to hints and nudges. They get along best with mates who are "lite" narcissists or "lite" caretakers themselves. The people who "handle" narcissists well know to honor their rigid and sensitive limitations, and are careful about direct confrontation.

Full-blown narcissists are defined by their lack of empathy. They fear feeling humiliated, and their huge defensiveness keeps their "eyes wide shut." They must be vigilant to maintain an idealized sense of self. They shut down before finding out they are wrong, or not in control, or with any challenge to their own high esteem.

Why do we stay? A narcissist's ability to sweep a lover into ideal beliefs, deep anticipatory pleasures, and enslaving spells is why we write about them so much!

And let's be honest: Sex with a narcissist can be wonderful! Joining a narcissist in their world of mutually fabulous celebratory sex can FEEL like you're a glorious part of the starry universe. You feel surrounded in hallucinogenic levels of human connection and tribal belonging. And your brain gets very accustomed to being juiced up. However, when you ask a heavy narcissist to join you in your world—be it watching a chick flick, or joining a folk dance class, or helping comfort your sick Aunt Mary—forget about it!

When narcissists have nothing to offer, that's when you experience withdrawal. You may react with the panic of an abandoned child, who seeks first of all to please and get back into the good graces of their provider.

Meanwhile, your narcissist's neurological pattern can go into boredom, restlessness, irritation, being mean—or even into the sociopath's flatlining of emotional response. You're unwittingly available for exploitation by a predatory manipulator. You don't have the clarity to see the intensity and depth of this destructiveness. You are under a spell, thinking, "I need my lover for me to feel OK and alive!" A lover like this is TOXIC in every sense of the word! You're literally being brainwashed by your own reactions!

Many of my clients raise their arms and say, "I can't believe I was so dumb!"—but this is how it happens. Once aware of the consequences of this chemistry, you can start forgiving, accepting, and eventually trusting yourself. There's even brain chemistry for "sadder but wiser," and "I get to feel more grounded and centered now, because I HAVE TO—for my sanity!" and also, "I get it I'm not really alone. I belong here and I have friends who love to be with me!"

And here are more client reactions:

"My mother always coddled my war vet dad, but that meant we had to be victim to his rages and self-pity. To this day I have to be very careful to not put up with some jerk just because I feel afraid or sorry for him, and he tells me I'm too sensitive."

"I felt forbidden to be 'selfish,' so I sought strength secondhand by following someone who can 'go out there and make it, get it.' I felt destined to be their caretaker, the backer-upper, but I also felt taken for granted—not respected or treated as an equal. I never felt like I deserved much, and I guess we each trained the other what to expect and what to get away with. I didn't take charge of anything, and I didn't think I would be good at it anyway. I was a basket case of depression by the time I got up and left."

"I thought he was selfish because he was raised to be direct about what he wanted. Then I realized I'd been raised to not speak up! He encouraged me to find my voice and use it, and it didn't blow him away. He took me seriously, and I don't feel overwhelmed anymore."

"I found myself dreading, doubting myself, automatically reading how I'd be found at fault. She kept track of everything she'd given me and reminded me often. But she'd conveniently forget all the support I gave her, and tip the playing board so more goodies rolled her way."

"When his work got so demanding it drained him, he'd pick fights at home. I asked him to look at the connection. I told him this was unfair, and if it continued, I'd have to change my end of things. He pushed to cut back at work, joined a gym and is a pleasure to be around."

"I matter-of-factly asked, 'Did you mean to hurt me when you said that? Did you want to teach me a lesson of some kind by doing that?' I'm keeping my cool by just gathering vital information for my next decision, instead of taking so much personally and going silent. I really need to see if my partner evades or admits when I put the responsibility back where it came from."

"These lying, secretive, superficial, charming, steering, blaming, credit-grabbing, self-excusing, over-competing, 'listen-to-my-story-but-I-won't-listen-to-yours', controlling, cheating, climbing over bodies, too busy with their own world to really consider someone else's unless they can profit from it, trying to impress others continuously to buoy up their ego, better-than-you, scapegoating, unwilling to check themselves when they've done something wrong and apologize, discounting, avoiding, casting doubt scumballs!"

"She joined Alcoholics Anonymous when she bottomed out from being an out-of-control- here-comes-trouble. It's members and program offers her help to take responsibility for all those messes, and still feel good enough about herself and life to keep plugging away and cleaning up. I never thought she'd change. We're careful friends now."

In weighing the quality of a relationship, there's no escaping the need for "self-awareness" so you can know and tolerate your own reactions, including dismay, disappointment and feeling unsafe, as well as "things are OK and good enough."

How toxic is your lover? Should you stay or leave? Here's one test: When they're being particularly upset or demanding, extend them a kind and sympathetic comment. In other words, surprise them! If they act nasty back, just shake your head and walk away. Leaving a narcissist all alone can be the greatest statement of all.

Being alone is an important step in your own maturing. You haven't grown up if you have to look to someone else to decide what you need, want, and should do. The narcissist hasn't grown up enough to extend compassion and consideration, let alone run someone else's life!

A toxic narcissist really isn't capable of reciprocity. Maybe your halo of newness and challenge has worn off, and they're settling grimly for being top dog and controlling you. Don't be used like Kleenex! You deserve true love and real respect!

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