Tell-Alls or Say Nothings: What Do You Tell Your Partner?

By Isadora Alman

Recently there has been much in the popular press about having or wanting an open relationship. Many years ago I did my Master's Thesis on the arrangements couples make regarding any outside the couple relationships.

In a small study I did in the early 1980s both partners of a small sampling of self-defined happy couples individually answered a questionnaire on the relationship history and on the content of any existing agreement, implicit or explicit, concerning sexual behavior outside the coupled relationship. What I expected to find was that discussing the subject and reaching an explicit agreement regarding acceptable conduct was a prerequisite to being a happy couple. What I hoped to find was what "worked" most often for most people - a conventionally monogamous relationship, an open arrangement or a format somewhere in between. What I stumbled upon was something entirely different. (The sample of twenty-five couples was too small to draw any definitive conclusions, only suggestion for further study. In the 20 years or so since then, in writing my column, public speaking and in my private practice, I have found these discoveries to be consistent.)

Some couples forged or fostered intimacy through discussions about sexual feelings for outsiders. Such discussions might take place before, after or instead of acting on such attractions. These people, whom I designated Tell-Alls, generally had explicit agreements about what, if any, sexual behavior was acceptable outside the couple and established procedures for handling such occurrences, e.g. "We can discuss fantasies but absolutely no touching" or "Occasionally it's okay but it can't be one of our friends." Other people, the ones I dubbed Say-Nothings, either denied the possibility of being attracted to someone other than the primary partner, or maintained the couple stability by avoiding acknowledging such interest. It seems that when two people with the same communication style preference are coupled, the nature of the arrangement (monogamous or non) appears to be immaterial. Often the substance of an agreement changes as it is renegotiated over the course of the relationship. However, if the partners' concept of what may or must be discussed in the name of good communications differs, if a Tell-All is mated to a Say-Nothing, problems often ensue.

I conclude that individuals need to define not only wants and expectations for their partnership, but also to identify their communications style preference, to be quite explicit about what they are willing to hear and what they are willing to confide in order to foster intimacy rather than jealousy and dissension. Agreement on the subject of disclosing sexual feelings for others seems to serve, in part, to define for the couple the very nature of their perceived intimacy.

1. Your gender and age? Your partner's gender and age?

2. How long have you considered yourself coupled with this partner?

3. Are you (check one which best applies)- Legally married- Exchanged other ceremonial vows- Living together- Living separately

4. Do you currently have an agreement with your partner regarding what is acceptable sexual behavior outside your relationship?- Yes- No- Undecided

5. If you have such an agreement, is this agreement explicit? In other words, have the two of you discussed the issue and reached a mutual conclusion?

6. Whether explicit or unstated, please say what your understanding of your agreement is. Take into account all manner of sexual behavior such as flirting, non-intimate friendships, interactions with same/opposite sex, special circumstances.

7. If your agreement has changed during the life of your relationship, please explain how and why. Mention any specific occasions you might recall which resulted in discussions on this subject which formulated an agreement or modified an existing agreement.

8A. Have you, or (to your knowledge) your partner, ever broken an existing agreement on this subject? 8B. If so, what were the results?

9A. If you have an explicit agreement regarding sexual behavior outside the relationship, what are your reasons for wanting, needing or entering into such an agreement? 9B. If you have no explicit agreement, what are your reasons for not having one?

10. If you could have an arrangement exactly to your liking, what would that ideal arrangement be? Would it differ in any way from your current situation?

11. If you have not mentioned it previously, is procreation a factor in any agreement you have or might have? Explain.

12. If you have not mentioned it previously, are health concerns a factor in any agreement you have or might have? Explain.

13. On a scale of 1 to 5 (1 = extremely uncomfortable, 5 = extremely comfortable) place a numerical evaluation on how free you feel in discussing possibly controversial feelings and thoughts with your partner.

14. On a scale of 1 to 5 (1 = not at all, 5 = completely) how much do you trust your partner to keep an agreement with you on sexual behavior outside the relationship?

15. On a scale of 1 to 5 (1 = extremely unhappy, 5 = extremely happy) how happy are you in general with your present relationship?

@ Copyright 2009 Isadora Alman. All rights reserved.

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