The Advantages and Perils of Shyness

By John Amodeo

Shyness is a quality that is often judged negatively in our fast-paced, extraverted society. We may attribute psychological health to people who are socially active, verbally prolific, and quick witted in their interactions. Such qualities may indeed reflect an individual who is well-adjusted and happily engaged with their fellow humans. But this is only one possible model of a healthy human. And sometimes such qualities might reflect an avoidance of authentic contact with oneself and others. For example, some people talk rapidly and fill up the space to avoid vulnerability and override genuine relating.

Abundant research indicates that immune system functioning and personal well-being are enhanced through close and caring relationships with others. Shyness is a quality that is intimacy neutral. That is, shyness might distance us from others or it might actually connect us in a deeper way with other people.

Shyness may be experienced as a reluctance to make eye contact or as butterflies in your stomach. When someone compliments you, you might not let it in. You might be reluctant to approach someone you feel attracted to. You may hide from people to protect yourself. This is the shadow side of shyness.

From a Buddhist viewpoint, shyness might reflect an aversion to contact with others, as well as an aversion to feelings that might arise with interpersonal contact. Shyness may be a form of clinging to the safety of the known. Such clinging from a Buddhist viewpoint creates suffering. Shyness becomes problematic if it infused with fear and shame that restrains and constricts us. Such shyness can isolate us.

One peril of shy introversion is a cutting off of contact that might be fulfilling. Painfully shy people may have agonizing histories of being shamed and criticized for exposing their authentic feelings and longings. Gratuitous punishments may have been meted out for innocent behaviors. Interpersonal trauma may have delivered the message that it is safer to keep everything inside.

Why risk re-opening the wound of rejection by revealing one's authentic self? When exposing feelings, sharing thoughts, or expressing needs is associated with unbearable pain, it is no wonder that a person would exhibit qualities we call shy.

There is a sacred longing for intimacy that by nature is shy and tender. If we can differentiate shyness from shame and fear, we might recognize that it contains a tenderness that can deeper intimacy with others. Allowing ourselves to embody such shyness, rather than be ashamed of it, can open a doorway to deeper and richer connections with others.

Rather than view shyness as a frailty, we might view it as a strength. There is a quiet power in shyness if we can accept it and become comfortable with it. Embraced shyness melts away the armor that keeps us separate from others. Allowing our heart and eyes to soften and engage, we can let people in as we embrace our tender longing for connection.

If you can turn tenderly toward your shyness as it arises, if you can allow yourself to experience how it lives in your body in this moment, you may find yourself softening. Gently held shyness may transform into a lovely sweetness and tenderness. As your tolerance for shyness grows, you might discover that it becomes a friend that connects you with others rather than distances you.

It takes great courage to embrace shyness. Rather than judge it or be paralyzed by it, you may allow your words and actions to be congruent with the inner tenderness and vulnerability that is a part of shyness. Embracing shyness can be a step toward creating a climate of courageous mutual vulnerability and intimacy.

Shyness can bring us to an edge where we can either withdraw, or experiment with stretching beyond our comfort zone. If we can stay in our body and gently hold our shyness rather than judge ourselves, it may shift into a wise innocence and openness.

Within the very midst of our shyness lies a potential for deeper contact. As we integrate a childlike openness with the strength of embracing ourselves as we are and the capacity to set boundaries when necessary, we are well positioned to grow toward a deeper love and intimacy with others.

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