What Michael Jackson Taught Us About Shyness

By Sibyl Minighini

A Willow Deeply Scarred Somebody's Broken Heart
And A Washed-Out Dream They Follow The Pattern Of The Wind, Ya' See
'Cause They Got No Place To Be... ---Michael Jackson

Although a legendary performer, Michael Jackson was by his own admission a very shy person. Just like him, we have all had moments of shyness. Of course, some people tend to be shyer than others. Many times, shyness is perceived as a personality style, and indeed, it can be. But there may be other reasons for it, especially in children and teens, as they are constantly being exposed to new situations they perceive as unfamiliar and unsafe. If not treated compassionately, these new experiences can leave lasting psychological wounds.

For a good example of this take any teen's nightmarish puberty of physical changes that can impact self-esteem and confidence. Michael Jackson told reporters that his acne as a teenager was devastating to him. His own father called him "ugly"! From then on Michael's sense of self-esteem was shattered, even though he would go on to achieve staggering heights in the world of entertainment. He became vulnerable and shy. It seemed nothing could heal the rejection from his own family. At a crucial time in his life he began a lifelong struggle with self-esteem until his death.

Even though Michael struggled, the good news is that there are ways you can help your child or teen internalize self-confidence regardless of most life stage challenges. An effective way to promote self-confidence is to encourage them to participate in healthy group activities. Examples include sports or drama, choir or dance groups. Participation in group activities allows shy individuals to blend in with others in a non-threatening way so that they may emotionally mature at their own pace.This ensures an environment where children will learn and gain more confidence while interacting with peers.

Another way to help a shy child out of his or her "shell" is to play "The Worst Thing that Could Happen" game. Here, a parent or caretaker can help his or her child look at all the possibilities a scary new situation entails. When a child or teen brings up any kind of fear, such as a fear of being teased, you can extend the situation to demonstrate the irrationality of the fear. A simple remark: "Teasing, eh? What's the worst thing that can happen if you get teased?" will allow the child to explore her fears and realize the outcome is not the end of the world.

Much like the above ideas, therapy also creates a supportive atmosphere for the child, where he or she can explore new situations with confidence. Play therapy allows the child to create his or her own concept of the world, and find ways to interact positively with it. The child is in charge of his or her own growth through the timely interventions of the therapist.

Therapy is based on the concept that shyness is often born of an underlying belief that a person simply does not do anything well, or have any particular talents to share with others. Frequent verbalization of a job well done can help the child to identify his or her strong points. For example, if the teen enjoys drawing and art projects, you might comment on some of the aspects of the work you like; be sure to say why you think they are good. Or if your child loves playing outside, a simple remark about how much she loves to play outside can reinforce her belief that she is "good at" playing outside.

Of course, no one knows your child or teen better than you, so ultimately these tips are for helping you raise your child. Remember to think outside of the box, and have fun spending time together! Few things help shyness and self-esteem like the support and encouragement of loved ones. If you believe you have tried everything with your child or teen, and continue to be concerned, therapy could be the answer to any lingering worries; it can be an effective way to learn new ways of relating to the self. Perhaps, if Michael had been empowered to understand his self-worth, he would still be alive today.

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