The New & Same-O, Same-O in the Self-Help World

By Sue Roberts

Everything old is new again! The first articles I wrote years ago for OPEN EXCHANGE were about the "Eternal Child." They described the adults who stampeded to the Bay Area looking for fun, newness and creativity, but who shunned responsibilities, commitment and a "regular life," preferring to flit like butterflies among the flowers. People fell for their energetic dazzling ways, but often ended up not getting as much as they gave. The book The Peter Pan Syndrome described these commitment phobic men, followed by a sequel describing the "Wendys" who loved them.

Soon the fields of addiction treatment and family systems got together. There were books now describing the "newly" discovered co-dependent, who gave too much and got too enmeshed with drug and alcohol abusers and self-centered mates. Digging deeper, it was painfully discovered that these folks often came from addicted parents and abusive, barely functioning homes. It was as if the abuse and neglect recruited them into an automatic choice to hide and sacrifice themselves for other people. Results included many who escaped these families to become the perfectionists, nuns, therapists, social workers and political activists set on making heroic marks at reforming an injust society.

Co-dependent people were compared to counter-dependent people who present an image of independence. Both were seen as coming from similar environments but polarized in the extremes of their behavior and character. Falling into each other's arms, each one seeks a sense of wholeness by connecting to what they don't have. However, since both haven't learned more effective middle-of-the-road ways of talking and give and take, they often make each other miserable. They project good and bad on their partners, demand or hide more and more, and "...cling and claw and drown in love's debris."

All along there have been books to help people get back or finally get into the Eden Gardens of self-esteem, loving relationships and community support. While some self-help has been very useful in getting the skills and vision to live better, some people get disheartened and self-critical at not "making the grade," as if a standard carrot was held out of reach. A middle ground needs to be found of skills of perceiving, accepting and negotiating things as they are.

Currently, there is much publicity about the neurological differences of people with Attention Deficit Disorder. I have studied and written another article for OPEN EXCHANGE about ADD. Lo and behold, I found that the problems of impulsiveness, distractability and hyperactivity are incredible matches for... the Eternal Child!!! Originally the Peter Pan was thought to have had too much indulgence or too much expected out of him as a child, causing him to not want or be able to fit in, except in the Bay Area!

While I'm sure some of this happened to the often misunderstood ADD child, who would've thought that there was a common neurological basis for many of the Eternal Child's traits!? So the old human patterns keep rolling along, but often under newly discovered names, connections and causes!

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